The Hopeless Romantic

I’ve always been that kind of girl who can’t help but easily fall for boys who meet her standards. I’m that girl who has crushes that are “unreachable” or obviously can’t like her the way she likes them. I fall too hard too soon, and that’s obviously one way to experience excruciating pain over and over again. I don’t get why I’m like this, and I obviously don’t like it, but it’s just the way I am. The only thing I can do is convince myself that it’s nothing, that I don’t care, and that I should focus on more important things. But, in the end, I always get hurt. I never learn. I am definitely a fool for loving and caring this much for people who don’t give shit about me.

I feel that this time it’s different, that this isn’t just some other crush. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just infatuated too much, or maybe I’m not. It’s just that this time I fell for the attitude and the interest more than the physical features. And this time I’m using the L-word too often and too accidentally. I like and care for him more than I’d ever care to admit. I’m sad when he’s sad and I’m happy when he’s happy. And that for once in my entire life, I want this to be more than just a crush. I want him to like me back and see how we go from there. I usually just accept the fact that my crush likes other girls and not get affected when he does, but this time, I feel like dying and hurting when he’s with other girls. I think it’s my teenage hormones acting up again, but when I wrote that it was nothing on that anonymous letter I sent him during Valentine’s day I was lying. This is something serious and I can feel it, cause I have never cared so much and never liked anyone as much as I like him.

I know I have no chance. That even though, he’s not that attractive for most people and he’s not that popular, he’s still a human being with his own personal choice of crushes, and I’m obviously not on his list. When am I on someone’s list of crushes? I know it’s a pessimistic thought but I think that it’s more likely that elephant’s will fly than me being someone’s crush. But then, no one said that I don’t hope, despite it’s unlikeliness. I know that that banana was just a reply to send the message that we’re still okay. that we’re still normal towards each other, no awkwardness whatsoever. But at that shining moment, while jumping up and down and screaming at the top of my lungs, I thought it was something more.

And now, I just want to turn off all those feelings, all that hurt, and be able to talk to you and find stuff we could talk about. We’re too different from each other, and I don’t know what to do with that. I just know that I hopeless inevitable like you right now. Shit. what the hell is this? I just want to move on, act normal, and forget about everything. And I hope to God that no one who knows me reads this or else cause fuck if they did.

This isn’t  much of an inspiring post, rather a rant/shitty post that I chose to continue for the heck of it. And by the way, that dance with him last night was definitely something worth remembering. that moment when we’re hands were intertwined, when your other hand was on my hip and my other hand was on your shoulder, and that tux of yours was really soft and smooth to touch. It may have not meant anything to you, just another dance like all the once you’ve had before me, but for me, it was one of the best parts of my evening and even though I didn’t know what to talk about while we were dancing, I didn’t want it to end. It was a beautiful moment and thank you so much for giving that to me.

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

P.S.

The stuff in this article affects me way more than it should affect me.

http://www.candymag.com/guys/15-times-your-crush-totes-broke-your-heart-without-him-knowing-he-did/

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Infatuated.

I don’t know what this is. I don’t know why I am feeling this. I don’t want this.

I am confused, really. I’m sure that this is nothing, logically speaking. But when I see you, I can’t help myself but fall for you. It’s very very annoying. Whenever I see you, I think it’s more than a crush, that I might actually like you more than that, but then it hurts when you’re hurt or when you’re calling someone else’s name. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know how to write this properly since I cannot gather my thoughts right, but I have to go on with this since I’ve been itching to write about you for a while.

I suspect that my teenage girl hormones are behind this. I mean, what else could it be? I’m actually hoping and wishing that we’d like hang out, and that’s something these hormones could do. I want to ask you to prom, another thing these hormones could do. Basically, this is not me, because this is not like me, this is nothing like me. I’m not that type of girl that would do those stuff, especially during high school, and with everything that’s going on. 

We’re different, a little too different. You like things I don’t like. I like things you don’t like. You’re good at stuff I’m not good at. I’m good at stuff you’re not good at. I should really just stop trying to have the same interests as you. I mean, the first one was pretty cool, but I can’t like anime for you. I can’t like other stuff for you. I just can’t.

And you don’t even care. You just don’t care that I am head-over-heels for you. You don’t care that I am dying because you’re sad or when you’re hanging with another girl. Jealousy, another evidence that my teenage girl hormones are behind this. You just don’t care. And I can’t expect you to care, since this is all just my fault, that I can’t force you to like me or even care about me. I keep saying that this is nothing serious, that this is just another crush, no big deal, but sometimes, I wish that it was more, but I know it could never be. Now, I could actually relate to Eponine for her unrequited love for Marius. 

This is a post that I wouldn’t want my parents or relatives to see because it’s so hormone-y, that it’s so crappy and ugh. I really hope no one who knows me sees this, because this isn’t really one of my finest works. This is a post written by a lovesick heartbroken girl that can’t express her feelings verbally. 

This isn’t really an inspiring post, so if you want to read some inspirational stuff, I advise you to browse through my other posts. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

The Escape Pod

Don’t you just hate it when the world becomes more unfair to you, when you have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, and just curl up and cry about how you feel like dying and how all that depression, that loneliness, sucks you inside a black hole that you can never escape? Don’t you just hate that feeling you get when your reality turns upside down and nothing goes your way? I surely do.

Honestly, I have not done a single productive thing today and I just hate it. And now, one of my closest friends tall me that they can’t come to something you’ve been sort of excited about? Bull-fucking-shit. This post isn’t really going well and I want to end it, but I am determined to finish this with a positive note. 

Reality sucks, most of the time. I mean there are these moments that make it worthwhile, but it mostly screws you, makes you a complete wreck, and leaves you in some road, exposed and corrupted. I know that life’s what you make it and that I shouldn’t think too negatively, but I’m in a horrible mood and all that shit isn’t making me feel better.

So, my silver lining is mostly books, movies and series that I like. It takes me to other worlds and makes me forget my problems, temporarily. But then, this fantasy has to end, cause’ they’re never going to take me to those worlds, they’re never going to save me from this tragedy that is my life. And I am going to have to deal with that eventually. I can’t entrust my life in believing that someday, someone will enter my life, take me to other universes, show me a world I wouldn’t even have dreamed of, then stay with me for the rest of my life. That doesn’t even happen in those books, movies, nor series, the companion or the love interest eventually dies, leaves, or gets trapped in another dimension. Basically, it’s unrealistic and I have to grow up.

But, how can I when I live in a world like this? How can I want to grow up when those fantasies are much better than this reality? I succumb to society’s expectations, I go to school, I get fair enough grades, I don’t get arrested, I try to not be that screwed up. Then what? I am sick and tired of disappointments, depression, loneliness, and all that shit. I am mad at people, and most of all, myself. I suck at everything. I envy people for having more stuff and being better than me.

I have already ruined this post, but I can tell you one positive thing, just one: I have an amazing life. I am blessed with such amazing people that may sometimes suck, but I still love them very very much.. I have the luxury of having a roof to shelter me, clothes on my back, food to eat and so much more. So, yes, maybe my life isn’t so much of an ideal world, but I’ve got what i need, and yes, sometimes I take that for granted, sometimes, I don’t realize how lucky I am to be living this kind of life, but when I do realize it, it makes me feel sort of better and less shitty. It gives me contentment and hope that maybe it’s not too late for me, that tomorrow is another day for me to avoid screwing up. 

This post has been a roller coaster. Now, I feel kind of better, well, good enough to start thinking that I can actually accomplish stuff tomorrow and that this day has been okay, though I completely wasted my time.

Okay.

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE 

To My Future Self

So, hopefully, you are reading this, me from the future. I have no idea how I’m going to turn out and I guess there’s a more future me than you, so you’re pretty unsure of the future to. That’s okay, because we’re just both me, a human being, no more no less. Although, I do wish sometimes that I could now where I’m going to and how I’d probably pass away and what I’ve accomplished before that. I have so many questions to ask you and so many things to tell you. I guess I could tell you the things I want to, right here. But I know it’s not possible for you to answer my questions, unless time travelling is already accessible there, then please do show me a sign at least, but then that would most likely disrupt the flow of past, our past and just ruin everything. All-in-all, just let me talk to you, no need for a reply. 

Did I finish college in my dream university? Did I get my master’s degree? Did I take my dream course? Oh, please answer me (DON’T). I mean, I have to figure these things out, since I haven’t gone through it yet. But you have, so I really hope you did get into our dream uni taking up our dream course, and successfully graduating it with awards. I’ve always been an overachiever, more than I actually achieve. I pretty suck for that, but I hope you’ve grown into an honorable woman that’s going to make things happen and change the world. 

I really hope you’re as successful as I want to be. I hope you’re doing something that makes you happy. I don’t want to land on a job that makes me miserable, even if it’s a high-paying gig. Happiness and love are the two most important things in the world, and never ever forget that. How am I doing? I’m pretty sure that everyone’s right about the real life starting once you finish college, and I do hope you’re doing okay with that. Hopefully, you’re boss isn’t that pain of an ass as those bosses in the movies. Just make friends and don’t say anything rude or mean. Keep it to yourself if it’s not going to help, or if it’s going to hurt someone. 

I believe you have a house. I don’t want anything big and extravagant. I want those normal but classical ones with the inside bigger than the outside, like the TARDIS. Do I have a husband? kids? I really really want to know. Do I live long enough to even have a family of my own? I really hope so. I’m not sure that you’d go with my plan of names (Athena NIke and Christian Brian) but they’re fantastic names, I bet. Are you married to someone you love and that loves you back? I don’t want you to turn up badly and divorced. Please do check and check and check before you get married to someone. He has to be independent, loving, smart, trustworthy, honest, loyal, caring, and all the good stuff, only the good stuff. I only want the best for you, nothing less. 

Is your family (the one you’re born in) still okay? I do hope mom and dad are still alive while you’re reading this. But, they’re going to be gone, that’s reality. Say “I love you” and hug them and kiss them as much as possible. I don’t want to have any regrets in life, okay? Avoid fighting with them and arguing because that takes away a few moments of their lives, and that counts, I tell you. I’ve seen way too many movies to not think about death, especially theirs. I know that it’s going to be hard for you, to lose them, someday, but be strong, for our sisters and your family. They need you. Stay strong and pray. God’s always going be there for you. 

If this blog is still up and running, I hope you’re still active and writing, because this is somehow you’re contribution to history. I mean, yeah, there are thousands and thousands of blogs in the internet (is it still called the “internet there?) but this is yours and it’s your mark to the world, quite a remarkable mark I’d say. More future you would someday read your posts and maybe laugh and write another post and it goes on and on. Don’t stop writing, ever. Master those fantastic skills of yours and use it for the good of humanity. Write a book! 

And I know we’re going to die. Don’t be sad about it. I’m not sad about it, but maybe that’s because I believe it’s not that close yet. But someday, somewhere, we’re going to die from this temporary life. We’re going to perish and hopefully end up in Heaven. Our life doesn’t revolve around that. Don’t be paranoid about it. Do things you think are worth doing and would leave another mark in this world (since this blog is one of them). Build an organization that would live on forever, because this human life is absolutely temporary, but the things we do during our life is what matters. Don’t waste your life mopping around about death or shit. Go up and about and do things. 

No spoilers, in case you’re itching to visit me from the past. I don’t want you to go here and spoil me with whatever you’re experiencing. I’m going to be the one that creates you and that’s a huge thing. I have to mold myself into someone worth something huge. I know I can do it. I’m going to make you someone successful and looked upon on. Thank you for reading this, and make sure that you’re living a good life, for the future you, and your future life and legacy. Good luck. 

 

Survival

Desperately trying to survive is all that I had been doing these couple of weeks. I haven’t been particularly good at most subjects I have to face this third quarter and I’m not such a hotshot with friends or life either. Sometimes, I don’t want to live in this world anymore, with so much depression and agony and hurt. But, then there’s nothing I can do about it except get over it and keep going.

I don’t want to just survive. I want to excel. I want to be the best of the best, the cream of the crop. I don’t want to be just an average student living an average life with nothing but normality and ordinary in her blood. I want to live, not simple exist. But, how? Existing is all that I could manage. Everything has just been fast paced and confusing. How can I attempt to stand up on my feet when my head’s all jumbled up. 

How can I do my best? I really don’t want to see my grades going down, they’re low enough as it is. Just thinking about it depresses me. I need serious study help and motivation to get through this. I know it’s not over yet, but it almost is. I need to get my shit together and move forward. I don’t want to be stuck somewhere I don’t want to  be in anymore. I don’t want to be as sad and desperate as I am now. 

And she’s got everything that I have to live without ~~

Here I go again, writing another blog post when I should really be writing my world history homework. I can’t help it. This is my only time to write and during the duration of writing this post, I feel guilty of wasting my time. But doing what you love isn’t that much of a waste, is it? Besides, I’ve been sleeping all day, I can probably sleep late tonight.

I’m quite an undesirable girl that persists on being optimistic when she’s really very pessimistic. My size isn’t exactly ideal and my looks.. well. Point is,  a boy liking a girl like me is a long shot. I couldn’t imagine it happening in a million years. Although I thought of how a guy would even try liking me, probably some bet or joke.

Yes, a joke. I’m a human being that has no hope of being fallen in love with. I mean, I know there are some love stories that prove me wrong, but love could be non-mutual or one-sided. What would happen if I really like a guy (even possibly love him) but he doesn’t love me back? Is that considered?

But like any other other girl, I dream about my very own prince charming, someone who’d sweep me off my feet and take me to happy ever after. I can’t help but feel sorta envious to the girl someone/someones fancies. Is it really hard to be her? She seems PERFECT. But then again, maybe not.

Ugh, these hormones are turning me into some hopeless dramatic romantic. YUCK! Whether I like it or not, this is not a fairytale nor a wish-granting factory. But I do believe that there is someone out there somewhere that would like me for me. And I do hope I meet him in this life.

Image

You Caught Me Off-guard

When you walked by

I really wanted to say “hi”

I didn’t have the guts to, though,

But I want you to know.

 

You got me thinking about you 24/7,

Making me feel like heaven,

Knees becoming weaker,

Every minute I see your sneaker.

 

Head over heels for you,

I’m hoping you feel it too,

Forever broken if you say no,

Making girls fall for you like a pro.

 

P.S.

I was just bored and tried to make a decent poem about a girl going nuts for a boy that doesn’t give a crap about here. This has no relation to my feelings, thoughts, and emotions whatsoever. I dedicate this post to the brokenhearted and one-sided lovers out there. Move on.

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE