Make it or break it

I’m down to my last month (more or less) of second year and I’m really gonna need to get my shit together to finish this semester without failing any classes. I really can’t mess up after two failed exams in both Math and Engineering Methods in Mathematics, a failed exam in Engineering Drawing (BUT HEY, ON AVERAGE, I’M STILL PASSING!), and two horrible horrible academic essays in College English. I’d admit that this was a really challenging semester, surprisingly even more challenging than the past two semesters. But with hard work, perseverance, determination, dedication, patience, … , and, most especially, God’s help, I know I can still save my grades this semester.

They say that the first step in overcoming a weakness is awareness and acceptance. With that said, let me just say that I cheated on my diet again this week and I feel horrible. How the first sentence is related to the second? They’re probably not (HAHA), but the point is that I’m aware and I accept that I’m overweight and that I need to lose a lot of pounds to attain the “normal” weight range for my age and height. To do so, I need to strictly follow a diet and to regularly exercise. It’s hard af cos of the stress due to schoolworks and also cos of the lack of time for exercise. I tried yesterday, I failed today, and I’ll try again tomorrow. I know and accept that I sleep in class more often than I’d admit and that causes me to lag behind lessons. So that fact, along with my poor time management, is the root cause of my dilemmas. I need to be more attentive in class and to fix my priorities to catch up with my classes. It’s really difficult to do for a person like me for a lot of reasons, such as being distracted easily and terrible sleeping habits. I failed yesterday, I succeeded today, and I’ll try again tomorrow.

I guess life’s just really like that, full of fluctuations and ups and downs. The important part is to never give up because once you’ve considered giving up or settling for less than the goals that you’ve been aiming for, then you’d be stuck with that mindset. I admit that I’m stubborn and I forget this a lot, but I just can’t give up on this semester. I can’t let my parents and myself down. I can’t afford to fail any classes, again.

So, I’m still overweight, sleepy, awkward, poor in time management, stubborn, forgetful, too easy on myself, and the like. But I’m also a work in progress and, despite all the negative stuff about me, I’d say there’s some good points, too. I believe in myself that I can overcome the challenges I’m facing with God’s help and I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He has a plan for me. Without Him, I am nothing, and with Him, nothing is impossible.

I hope you’re having a great day and if you’re troubled with your own challenges, trust in God and do your best! Never give up! And don’t forget to share the love! ❤



(Note: This is the most decent and inspiring post I’ve written in a very long time and I’m so happy cos of it. This month would be a challenging one, especially with me trying to save my grades and my sanity, but I’ll fight a good fight and do my best. 🙂

Also, if you have a different religion with different beliefs, please know that I respect those beliefs and I’m just stating what believe in. I’m not pushing anything on you, so please respect my religion and beliefs as well. Have a nice day~)



I’m Falling to Pieces

(Warning: This particular blog post is a complete rant post and I doubt that I’ll be able to write any inspirational shit, even towards the end, so I suggest you read some other post of mine. If you want to read a shitty rant about an university student’s confusion, be my guest.)

So, it’s only been a month and two days into my second semester attending college and I’m an absolute wreck. I honestly don’t know how to proceed with life anymore. I have a Chemistry exam on Monday, a Physics exam next next Monday, and a Math exam next next Wednesday, above everything else. Not to mention that I’m so far behind on my lessons because I’m a student who’s a slow learner and a poor time manager. It’s the worse combination, trust me.

I don’t even know where to begin, at this point in time. I’m stuck in this vortex of hopelessness, stuck between wanting to do the things I want to do and knowing that I have to do the things I need to do. I hope I’m making sense, but who cares.

I know that it’s not the end yet, heck it’s only the beginning, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to balance it all out. I’ve been settling for what I think I could manage to do every day, but by doing just that won’t get me to the future that I want to be in- a future where I’m an independent strong reliable woman who knows and loves what she does. WITH WHO I AM NOW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO ACHIEVE THAT, HUH?

And, of course, I know the answer to that: I have to work my lazy ass off studying my lessons every day, so that I know what’s up and not struggle to catch up. I need to manage my time more efficiently to be able to do both the things I want to do and the things I need to do. I need to prioritize my to-do list, so I’d know which ones to do first. I have to actually follow my to-do list, so I won’t have to end up cramming everything at the last minute. I have to listen to my mother (because I’ve realized that the cliche saying is actually true- mother knows best, I swear it’s 100% proven, well at least to my mom).

I have to get my shit together because nothing good is going to come out of me not doing my best. Settling isn’t enough. I have to push myself to be able to achieve the goals that I’ve set for myself. It’s my fucking life and I need to get my act straight. If I continue things as it is, I won’t be a better person, I won’t be able to make a positive impact in the world, I won’t have the future that I’ve always dreamed and worked hard for, and everything else that I won’t be able to do and I won’t have JUST because I was unable to fix my life. I’m shattered and I need to somehow get all the pieces of myself back together.

(Note: HAHAHA.. this post is basically a shitty rant, so there’s no need for a note, really. It’s just depressing. I’m a very forgetful person, I forget how shitty I felt and how shitty I feel and end up continuing the shitty feeling. And it’s even worse cause’ it’s 2 AM and I’m still fucking awake. Goodbye for now.)



Love Isn’t All About Love


Okay, so to be honest, I’m sort of heartbroken right now. It’s probably nothing serious, but I really feel that I fell hard this time and now, having gone through all of that, I don’t know. Let’s just say I’m done with whatever this is right now, and I want to write something inspirational from all of this. And just to let you know, everything I’m experiencing now is completely my fault. No one can blame him for liking someone else, considering that he’s just an ordinary human being. It’s my fault that I went astray from the sidewalk that was my comfort zone and did something terribly insane and desperate. But I have no regrets, and it’s time to move on.

There are different kinds of love, just to be clear, I’m talking about two kinds of love: the teenage love and all the the other types of love. Am I making any sense? Well, during the period that you undergo puberty and adolescence and the difficult life of being a teenager, you feel this sort of attraction to a person or group of people. You feel this admiration, or even lust, towards them. It would most likely be some kind of infatuation. I’m here to tell you that, LOVE ISN’T ALL ABOUT THAT. You could be single, in a relationship, or the “It’s complicated” status in high school, but that doesn’t really matter much. I mean, from my point of view, you’re life doesn’t have to revolve around that. Peer pressure and seeing people around you coupling up might make you want to have someone to hold hands with yourself. But, don’t push it too hard. There’s a right time and place for everything, and if you think you found “the one” (which isn’t very likely) then good for you, just make sure that you don’t lose yourself in that relationship. But if you think that you just want someone to date because other people are dating someone and dating is cool, try to really think about it first. Hey, there’s no rush.Put you’re studies first because it’s the thing that would greatly affect you’re future. Just make sure you’re not making a mistake and that when you look back, you won’t have any regrets.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. Maybe this is all the workings of my teenage hormones and that I’m just infatuated with him. Either way, he doesn’t like me back, and for now, it hurts. Another thing I’d like to talk about is the fact that there’s a whole other world of the other types of love. There’s the family love which you really should check on. I mean, for me, this is one of the most important types of love. You’ve got to show that you love your family as much as they love you, since they won’t be there forever. I personally take every opportunity to tell them that I love them. And yes, I can sometimes be a real pain in the ass to my parents and siblings but I love them for understanding me and fully supporting me at whatever I want to do. I’m really happy with my family, even though we’re flawed and imperfect. I wouldn’t change a thing.

And then, there’s the friend type of love which is the third most important to me. I love my friends cause’ they’re the few people that know about my crazy/depressed/insanely insane/sensitive/optimistic/pessimistic side and they accept me for who I am. I mean, there are these occasional fights that we sometimes have due to misunderstandings and due to the fact that we’re only human, but we get over it and settle our differences. I can really be sentimental and quite clingy when it comes to friends, and can sometimes overreact and be depressed when they leave me for someone else, but I’m used to it. Besides, I have friends that don’t leave me behind when they meet other people, and I love them for that. Friendship is really better than those temporary relationships and commitments that, sooner or later, end horribly. I believe that, before a couple becomes a couple, they should first become really good friends.

Honestly, I’m not much of a Godly person. I mean, I believe in God, but sometimes I have these doubts and stuff. I think it’s pretty normal. But for what it’s worth, I trust God with my life. I believe that he has good things planned for me. i believe that in times of darkness and despair, I can turn to him no matter what. So, yes, sometimes I forget about God and not put him in the center of my life, but everything I do is for his glory and that doing God’s works and spreading God’s works is the real definition of being Catholic and putting Faith into your life.

Speaking of God’s works, the other type of love I want to discuss is our love for our neighbor. It really sounds like I’m preaching to a group of people, but I am serious when I say that you should love everyone around you, because you have no idea what they’re going through and you should help them in any way you can. You could do simple random acts of kindness like giving your extra money to church, giving your extra food to the poor, doing charity work, and the like. This world shouldn’t be defined by money, rather it should be built in the stable foundation that is love. So, I encourage you to share your blessings with those less fortunate people and watch your life become brighter.

I am really surprised with how this post is going. I should really be leaving, because I still have to study for our finals, but I had to release all that pain and hurt somehow. I have to focus on what’s really important in life and let go of those stuff that just bothers me to death. I have to do something really worthwhile and worth remembering in my life. So, I’m going to mend my heart and slice it to a million and one pieces and give it to those who really deserve it. I’ve got to forget about love life and all that crap for now and focus on my studies and think of ways to show my love to God, to my family, to my friends, and to my neighbors, even my enemies. And I’m still believing that one day, somewhere, somehow, someone’s going to love me for me.


To 2013, goodbye

This year has been filled with both happy memories, sad memories, and lessons that I have learned from both. I had those moments when I felt infinite and just happy, and then there were those moments that I wish I could relive those happy moments and just break down crying about how alone and depressed I am. I’d have those times when I felt content and inspired with what I have and then there are the times that I envy other people with what they have that I don’t and just hate them for having an awesome life. I’ve experienced making friends, getting attached to those friends, and getting left by those friends, and that’s just how life is, people come and go, because change is constantly happening, whether we like it or not. I really couldn’t say that I’ve grown into a great woman who has accomplished many things and will accomplish more, but I could say that I’m probably a step closer to that.

True friends have really been tough finding this year. I don’t have really close friends in my section and that’s just really sad. This school year started out pretty well, then came August and it was just a blur caused by merely surviving through the days when I’m alone eating lunch while studying for some test. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got friends, a few true friends, but they’re just in another section. It’s still different than having friends from your section, but I’m sort of content with being alone because forcing myself to fit in is just hard and I don’t want to hurt anymore. Besides, recently, I’ve got these classmates that I hang out with during lunch. 

Getting left behind is so painful, but then you get used to the pain and just stay put wherever you were left, turn around, and find better people to hang out with, that, hopefully, wouldn’t leave and forget you. I’ve never had a specific group that I hang out with, not because I have too many friends in different groups and I hang out with everyone, but because most of the few people that are my friends are in another group that are not accepting new applicants. Well, at least that’s how I feel. Shit? Exactly.

Studies have been pretty good so far. I haven’t entered in the dream section yet, but my section isn’t all that bad. I probably don’t have friends there because I’m just usually quiet and don’t bother other people because I don’t want to be “that bitch that makes other people’s business her business”, but I think I’ve gone too far with that and ended up not having friends there. It’s fun when we do things as a class, but really crappy when we do it by groups. I really want to maintain my status in the top, but I really need to push and work harder for it, or else, I’ll just fail. I. Don’t. Want. To. Fail.

Family? Well, my mum and I fight and argue a lot because of my stubbornness and a lot of my other bad attitudes. I suck at being a daughter and a sister. I just can’t not mess up and give in to these stupid mind of mine that’s just so hard headed and lazy. I know they’re just being supportive and I need to help myself get my shit together so I can have a bright future. 

Screw love this year (referring to the love/crush for the opposite sex). I’m not planning to have a boyfriend until I have a stable high-paying job. And, honestly, I don’t think anyone would court me or fancy me ever (well, at least in my current state). I fancy boys more than I’d care to admit, but I bet my tumblr account that no one.. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.. fancies me, and that’s just it. I like people that like someone else. But I do believe that when the time comes, somewhere, someday, someone would love me for who I am and be there for me no matter what. As per usual, I like a guy that’s really funny, loving, honest, trustworthy, loyal, understanding, smart, realistic, the other good stuff in this world. I’d prefer him to be older than me and taller. But, yeah, I’d probably just dump love this incoming year and just focus on stuff that really matter, right now.

Okay, so that’s what I can write for now. I know it’s not one of my best, but I’m sure it’s not one of the worst. Happy New Year, everyone!!



Things I Want to Change

This is another message to myself in the future, but this time, I’m addressing this to the future me starting from the moment I publish this post. It could be tomorrow future me, the day after tomorrow future me, and so on. Listen, I want to tell you that you’re a fantastic human being that has really bad habits. I mean, seriously bad habits that could be the cause of your death someday, hopefully not soon.

First would be the habit you make of sleeping so late in the morning. I’m no scientist, but I know that can’t be good for your health. I know you’re probably doing something important, school work most likely, that you put off till’ now, or slowly progressed doing causing you to stay up this late. This is the habit you really make a habit of, every damn night. Please, don’t continue doing it. I’m scared for you. Promise me this would be the last time you’d do it. Do your homework as early as possible, and never put it off, again.

Secondly, have a very good hygiene. I know it’s sick to even mention it but it’s the reality. You stink, literally. You can’t just do that or else you’d end up like you-know-who and you never ever want to even be compared to him. Take a bath as early as possible in the morning. Do not not take a bath ever again. You are so going to regret it. And don’t forget to brush your teeth. That breath of yours would gradually stink and your teeth are going to decay.

Thirdly, don’t skip out on drinking your medicine. I know, you forget most of the time, but I’m telling you, it’s bad, really bad for your health. Mum’s always telling you to not forget and you still keep on forgetting. What’s going to happen to you when she’s gone and you’re terribly ill and forget, huh? And don’t just underestimate you’re health. You’re lifestyle is bad enough, please just drink your medicine because some families can’t even afford the luxury of having medicine to drink when they’re sick.

Fourthly, study. I don’t care what you have going on with your life, just study. It’s the only thing you can control and it’s an important aspect of your future. Focus on your studies and make sure you’re really learning stuff, because school would just be pure bullshit if you don’t learn anything from it, besides those things that you forget after exams are done. No matter what you may be thinking, you want to go to that university, you want to take up Business, you want to graduate with so many honors. 

Fifthly. show you’re love to your parents and sisters and relatives, because they won’t always be there for you. They are going to die like any other human being in this planet. You will lose them sometime in the future and you wouldn’t want to have any regrets. Stop arguing and fighting with them and just love them and try to be a better child or sister to them. You have to appreciate them while you’ve still got them.

Number Six, start working out, exercising and going to the gym. You really need to lose a lot of pounds to be that girl whose size you liked. Don’t do it for anyone else but yourself. It’s not a self-esteem or self-pity or insecurity problem, but rather health problem. Eat less and be mindful of what goes inside that mouth of yours. Quit those chocolate bars and cookies and just stay fit and healthy, like an ideal woman.

Number Seven, never ever stop writing in this wonderful blog of yours. It is your masterpiece and scar to this world. I may not know the impact of this blog to other people as of now, but I do know that this blog has kept me sane for the past year and so. It’s your virtual home that you could run to in the case of loneliness and depression and whatever. Don’t abandon it, no matter how tough your life might get or how hassle your schedule might be. Never forget.

And lastly, pray to God that you’d have a long and amazing life ahead of you. I may not be a great big believer in God right now, but I have faith in him and trust that he has great plans for me I have yet to know and understand. I believe that he has and will always save me in times of distress and I owe him my life, that is very unworthy of his kindness. Follow him, and never forget him. Trust in him and never let go.

So, there, those are your current issues in life. Please do follow my strict instructions and plans so that your life would be so much easier and longer than my predicted future if you keep on living this life I’m experiencing. Believe me, you’d want to live long enough to start a family, marry that someone, have kids, and watch them grow. Just, please please, do this for me, for you, for us, for them. I love you very much dear, and finish those homeworks before the end of this year, ya’ hear me? 



At This Moment

I must hurry. Time is passing by while I am writing this very post. Events all around the world are happening and it’s changing the whole course of history. I must document this very moment while I still can, because one time has passed, no one could do anything to get it back. I can’t stay in this moment for much longer, seeing that time is getting away from me again. I’m no more than a human being, so I can’t time travel back into this moment and make it last longer. 

Right now. people around the world are doing whatever they’re doing while I’m here typing this. What a momentous occasion! I am alive and breathing! I don’t think I’d be able to write that down in 90 years (unless I live to be 105 years old). I’m content with how things are going. I know there’s has been and there will be happy moments and sad moments, but right now, I’m content and ready for anything. 

Ah! I only have a few minutes left before I bid this post “farewell!”. It’s funny how fast time would run away from people. Life is too short to over think and dwell upon the negative thoughts in life. Live life well and without regrets. Don’t take yourself for granted and be proud of who you are and what you’ve got. These are the lessons I will continue to learn until my last breath. That’s what life is, a school for learning stuff after the tests and trials. 

What else? Ah.. my family are the most important people in my life. I don’t often show or say it, but they are. Life wouldn’t be worth living without them around. They’re the ones that continue to support me all the way. They’ve got my back at all times and although we may argue and fight a lot, I love them and wouldn’t trade them for the world. I needed to say that before this moment ends and before they have gone away in the future. 

Friends are the second most important thing in my life. Okay, how many minutes have I got left? Two? Okay. Uhm.. friends are like brothers and sisters you meet during your life time. You may lose some though, but those would serve as great lessons in this journey. I love my friends. I may not have a lot, but the few I have are true and I love them for that. I never want to lose them.. ever! They’re the ones that are beside me in times of distress and depression, as well as the happy and fantastic times. 

My studies are very very important to me. It’s the only thing I can control, the only thing I can do during the times of loneliness and depression. I am a very sad person. People say that I’m grade conscious because I care about grades too much. The point is that, if I’m not going to pressure myself to do stuff, I’d probably just be this woman in the corner begging for food. I am lazy as Albert Einstein is a genius. And I dream higher than that. I know I can do so much better than what I’m doing. And that is why I keep fighting for grades and battling myself.

Crushes? Dear gods! I’ve only got 30 seconds before the wibbley wobbley timey wimey moment surpasses me and I want to talk about crushes? Okay, fine. I’ve got this crush, for the nth time. He’s not popular, nor is he categorized as handsome through the eyes of society. But he is smart (smart-er than me in some subjects even). I find him rather charming and funny. He’s completely mental and I like him for that. He’s probably as sane as I am, or more. I like him very much. But I know he doesn’t like me back and never will. It’s always like that and as the years go on, you get use to it. I mean, it’s just a crush, nothing more nothing less. 

So, there, I’ve got 10 seconds to spare. Good bye and I’m off to seek the great perhaps!



Dreams, Dreaming, and Waking Up

Sleep is how the body tells you that you need to take a break from life and relax your senses. Dream is how your imagination wanders off to places too far from reality. And Waking up is how your dream ends and your life continues. Simple isn’t it? But here’s the catch: You can’t choose your dream and you cannot resume it once you’ve woken up. No matter how hard you try, you can’t go back to any of your dreams and you can’t make it rewind and play.

Am I making any sense? Haha.. not feeling that inspired to write right now, but attempting to compose at least one decent post this long weekend.  Had a dream last night. I don’t know what to say about it. I don’t even what to remember it, but it’s here, in my mind. If only I could erase it and forget I ever dreamed it, I’d do it.

What to I want? All I know, for sure is that I don’t want to fall and get distracted again, like the previous years. And this.. THIS.. is going to lead me to nowhere but despair. I guess it’d be nothing if I didn’t pay too much attention to it, right? Stupid me.

This post is pretty useless but it’s still a milestone to what is called my life and it like saves a memory to my book of (both good and not so good) memories and I’m glad I actually wrote this. Now, I’m going to drink a whole bottle of softdrinks to drown these feels.