Flash Post 023: n+1 (where n is any real number)

About a year ago. I thought of myself as a person who does most things halfheartedly – intentionally settling for mediocrity because, for reasons, I wasn’t willing to give any extra effort to the things I was doing. I don’t know when I turned from being a sincere person who does her best in everything.. to that. I’d say I lost sight of my dreams and who I wanted to be. I didn’t see the value of what I was doing and how my choices would affect my future. I gave myself too much slack, only worsening my already awful time management skills.

This year, I’ve realized that I’m surrounded by extremely passionate people who work together to achieve common goals that would not only make them proud of their hard work and efforts, but also inspire and motivate other people to become as passionate and committed as they are. I’ve conversed with people who are in love with what they’re doing, making them enjoy it rather than seeing it as work. In short, these people have inspired me to passionately immerse myself into the things that I do and to run after my dreams again, to some degree.

I say all that, but I don’t really understand what I’m passionate about, at the moment. I mean, of course I should be passionate about my course and writing, and all that, but how do you continue to fuel your passion to the point where it actually pushes you to do more?

To be honest, I’m studying for an exam, but a friend of mine told me how wonderful it would be if we can share the word of God to the people with a certain feeling of being so filled with it that we have no other choice but to share it with other people. She compared it with how I couldn’t help sharing with them the stuff that happens with the guy I like. AND HONESTLY THAT MADE ME UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO CONVEY BECAUSE I HONESTLY CAN’T DO ANYTHING BUT TALK ABOUT OR WRITE ABOUT HIM 24/7.

I like him a lot and maybe, in a while, I can express it properly through words. He’s constantly running through my mind. While I’m sort of sad that I can’t think, talk about, and write about anything else but him… Actually, at this point, it’s just really sad how it’s come to this and this is all going to be over soon. There’s no consolation in liking someone THIS MUCH and knowing that, after this, all you’ll have is the memories.

WELL THIS POST TOOK A ROUGH TURN. Basically, my point is that it would be really great if I can be as passionate about something ACTUALLY FULFILLING as I am about him. Not that this isn’t worthwhile, it just sort of hurts now and there’s nothing else to do but let it out through writing and eventually move on.

HOPEFULLY, in my next post, I’ll be able to write about something other than him because I need to prove to myself that I can do it, so I will.





Five-Tastic Blogversary

April 13, 2016: Four-ever and Ever!

“I’d like to say that I’ve changed a lot since starting this blog four years ago, but I haven’t or at least not in a grand dramatic scale. I’m still clumsy, poor at time management, pretty awkward, sleepy, overly-sensitive, and stubborn. It sucks because I’m TOO stubborn to learn from my mistakes the first time, or even the second and third time, it happens. But, I’m slowly, but surely, growing and hopefully, in the future, I become the kind of woman I want to be- strong, smart, independent, kind, and beautiful, above all other things. I’m in this constant state of fluctuating, up and down and up and down, but it’s a way of knowing that I’m trying and I’m changing.

I love this blog. It’s a place where I can pour my heart, thoughts, and feelings out. It’s always there for me- when I’m sad and lonely, when I’m happy and feeling incredible, and when I have the urge to write because of something I realized. I mean, sure, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, but sometimes, they’re not there or they can’t understand. Without this blog, I think I would’ve exploded because of my thoughts a long time ago. I love writing and I love this blog.

What happens from here on out? I don’t know and, although I have no way of knowing what happens in the future, the future I still have ahead of me, I want to keep writing for as long as I live, until my last breath, until my heart’s last beat.

This blog has been keeping me sane for four years and it will continue four-evermore!”

First of all, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my blog of 5 years and counting! Least to say, life has been a bit more challenging this past year. As an 18 year old, I’m already expected to act more like an adult- more mature, more understanding, more responsible, and the like. I don’t really know how to grow up yet, so it’s really been quite difficult.

I’ve only written 42 blog posts since my last blog anniversary post and that’s a lot lesser than my usual post count. Believe it or not, I wrote 44 blog posts last October 2012. 44 posts within that month. And now I’ve only posted 42 within a year.

I know I don’t write as often as I used to. I don’t write as much as I’d like to either. College has been really hard for me mostly because of my terrible sleeping habit and my horrible time management skills. I never learn from my previous mistakes and I’m still stubborn af.

It’s really hard to admit that little has changed since I made this blog. I thought by this time, I’d have most of my life figured out. I am blessed with so many things- a loving and supportive family, amazing friends, a roof above my head, and a lot more privileges other people could only dream of having. Not to mention that I’m living the dream– studying in my dream university and taking up a major chose. So why am I still lost?

I miss having the time and inspiration to write. I miss being passionate about writing. I miss being able to do my best in everything I do. I really really miss the girl who’s this blog used to belong to. I don’t know how to get her back yet. I don’t even know if I’d ever get her back.

What I am proud of this past year is being able to serve God by being a lector in our church and being able to serve the community by teaching elementary students as part of my NSTP requirement. It’s not much, but I’m glad that even by a bit, I’m able to make a positive impact and I’m proud of that. I’m improving, even by just a notch, and that’s a good enough start.

So, yes, maybe I’m not the same Girl With the Pen that I was before and I might never be her again, but I’m still a work-in-progress- still learning and growing up. I believe that by this time next year, I’d be able to give a better report.

As usual, this post  is kinda messy and I’m still kinda messy, but I’m working on it. I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank all my followers and readers. I know my posts aren’t always uplifting or inspirational, so I thank you for taking the time to read them anyway. I hope some of my posts are able to help you with what you’re going through somehow. Also, check out my book and anime recommendations in the Interests page. I could at least help you through that.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to post more and grow up more this year. I hope all of you are having a great day and, if not, always remember that there’s always something good in every day. Enjoy life and don’t give up, no matter what.

Love, The Girl With The Pen

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(Note: Such a messy post huhu. I’m really lost rn with life, but I love life, in general. I’m positive that I can figure things out and get my shit together. It’s Holy Week, so this blog’s birthday is a lot less hectic than last year’s haha. Wishing ya’ll the best!)

The Stranger With A Pen

I’ve lost myself somehow. I don’t know how, or when, but the person typing this out is definitely not the owner of this blog. The Girl With The Pen was someone passionate about writing and everything else she did, who loved the idea of love, and who never once thought of giving up. Where she is now? I wonder.

I over think a lot more than I should, which causes me to enjoy life a lot less. I feel inferior compared to the people around me. I feel trapped inside a box I built for myself. I feel like I’m doing a lot of things halfheartedly. And, really, it’s like I’m just trying to survive. Heck, I can’t even write properly about love and that in itself is a tragedy.

And it’s not how I want to get through life. I want to live life and enjoy it. I want to reciprocate the love I feel from the amazing people in my life and I want to share love to those people who need more of it. I want to laugh at jokes, no matter how corny or ridiculous they may be. I want to be passionate about something and chase my dreams head on. I want to go ahead and do everything I can to live a life with no regrets.

I miss her. I miss the girl who I used to be.

So I’ve decided to stop and take a good look at my life. Is this the way I want things to be? Is this how I want to remember college? Is this how I want to live?

And as I said, it’s not. So I’m going to change it. I know it can’t be that easy, but this is NOT what I want and I can’t afford to not live the only life I have the way I want to live it.

I’m gonna get myself back.



I haven’t written a decent blog post in a while, because all I ever think about is him and I’d rather not write another post dedicated to him. I have to forget that he meant anything more to me than a classmate, a groupmate, and maybe a friend. I have to stand up and move on from this great fall, and focus on more important things, like writing my story, running my page/s, and writing on this blog. Everything is temporary in this world, including thoughts about him in my mind. So, now, I’m stalling and avoiding the mere thought about him, which I completely ignored while writing this paragraph. Twitter is my second ranting place, next to this blog of mine. I’ve been tweeting shitty tweets about being hurt, heartbroken, and feeling like shit. I’ve been tweeting the kind of stuff that are kind of too low level for this blog.

Anyways, lately, I’ve been wondering on who I truly am and how everything I do can affect whatever future I have. I know I am sort of paranoid for over thinking those things, but I just can’t help but become curious on what my future would look like, if I’m making the right choices. And all I know, truly, about myself, is that I am a very lazy person who likes reading and writing and is has a very hard time on focusing on stuff. All I know about me is based on who I want to be. I want to be a people person while the truth is I’m a very very shy and quiet and awkward person. I want to be that smart sophisticated woman when I’m really that lazy slack-y person. I usually feel that I’m just faking the whole thing. But then, I have to fake it because I don’t want to be this shit of a person. 

I don’t know what my opinions are about stuff. I don’t know when to stop being kind to people because maybe they’re just abusing it and using it to their advantage. I don’t know.. how to continue this post. So, I’m going to go now, and continue this post when I decide on who I am. Okay?



Now I’m Standing Alone in a Crowded Room And We’re Not Speaking

No one wants to feel alone and unloved in this world. Everyone needs the assurance of someone being there for them when they fall. Of course, at times, we need to be alone for self meditation and reflection, but most times, we need someone to talk to. I cannot (repeat CANNOT) live this life without my friends and family. It won’t be worth living anymore.

I have tried to imagine a day when all of my friends would leave me and I’d be alone. It was definitely unbearable, being unable to talk to anyone. It’s really quite sad what I’m doing right now, typing on some keyboard and talking to a computer, but no one’s online. 

And the day is coming near. I feel that my friends are leaving and forgetting me because they have new friends. I try to make an effort to be a part of their new group but a hopeless thought often strikes me. The awful thought that no matter what I do or say, I would never be part of them and end up left alone in some dark alley. 

Why is that? Someone told me that I should just move on from those so-called “friends” and find people that could and would be true friends to me. But, I don’t find it that easy, having spent so much time on those old friends that you used to know so well. On the other hand, why keep holding on when those on the other end of the rope have obviously let you down? Why put so much time and effort on those people who forgot you already? Why keep trying?

As you can see, this post is almost filled with questions because I, myself, am confused and unsure of what to do next. I’m sorry if this isn’t as insightful and inspiring as you thought it would be. 

Curse this pathetic thing called “Change”. I mean, there’s good change, but there’s also bad. The people who I used to hang out with are with other people and seem to have forgotten me. Ugh. I can’t help but reminisce those moments when we were still close. 

Communication has to go both ways. A person cannot go talking to a brick for long. He/she would get tired of it and give up. I know that’s not such a good example but that’s how I feel, that I’m the only one who’s giving the effort in our “friendship”

But how long could you hold on to something broken? When you let go, where would you go?