Questions

What have I done with my life, so far?

I can’t help but question myself whenever I see people, that I know, travelling, chasing after their dreams, doing something for the betterment of others, and what not. I am in awe of them because they’re off doing amazing things. They’re wonderful, really, and I want to be like that, too- wonderful.

How can I actually improve myself?

Awareness and acceptance is the first step to self-improvement, I think. I also need a very legit reason to do so, something I can hold onto when things get difficult. See, it’s not only physical appearance I’m talking about, but also my attitude towards people and things, such as academics.

What comes after that? The hard part- the execution. It’s really not easy to change oneself, especially when you’re as stubborn, indecisive, and forgetful as me. I’m awful, really. And sometimes, I think of myself as a hypocrite- how can I be writing about big things while I’m still a work in progress? I’ll just leave that unanswered because I don’t know how to.

I’m going to have to face a lot of obstacles on my way to improving myself, most of which will be the obstacles that I myself have set before me- self-doubt, insecurity, selfishness, and the like. But somehow, hopefully, I’ll get by.

Why would I go to such measures just to improve myself?

Why? Well, simply because I’m not satisfied with who I am right now. I dislike who I am as a person and how I’m living my life. I want to do better. I know I can.

I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make new friends. I want to help other people. I want to explore new places. I want to try new things (legal, of course). I want to make a difference. I want to be passionate about something. I want to publish books. I want to spend time with my family and friends. AND SO MUCH MORE!

And I feel that the me right now won’t be able to do all those things.

 

(Note: I HAVE A CHEMISTRY (DISCUSSION) EXAM NEXT MONDAY, A MATH EXAM NEXT NEXT FRIDAY, AND A CHEMISTRY (LAB EXAM) AND A PHYSICS EXAM NEXT NEXT NEXT MONDAY!! NOT TO MENTION THAT IT’S FINALS WEEK NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT WEEK!!

Gods, I just want this semester to end. Please. I don’t know how I’m going to survive and I don’t know how I can make my grades survive with me, but I need to manage to do that somehow.

And this post looks like I’m talking to myself or whatever. I hope at least one of you readers could relate and I hope this post helped you somehow cos it really looks like I’m talking to myself and that’s just sad, really.)

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

 

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Love Yourself

First and foremost, I’d like to tell you that you are an amazing and beautiful human being! I might not personally know you and you might not see it for yourself, but I believe that each and everyone of us have beauty inside of us. Sure, we might be insecure about what we look like on the outside and about how much we weigh. Heck, even get depressed staring at the weighing scale and the measuring tape.

The trick? Well, darling, you better love yourself first. See yourself as someone who deserves to be happy and who’s confident in themselves and their own beauty. Then, you start doing things not for anyone else but yourself. You want to change for you. And because you love yourself, you shouldn’t try anything that would hurt you.

I know it’s really hard sometimes to look at yourself in the mirror, to reminisce and reflect upon your life, and love yourself. But, you’re so much more than what you see in that mirror and what you’ve done in the past does not define you.

Also, the people around you who tell you that you’re useless, worthless, and hopeless? SCREW THEM! You and only you can decide how you view things and how you react to them. But, you should also know who to listen to when it comes to constructive criticisms. Believe it or not, there are people who want to see you excel in life and have a bright future. Sure, sometimes they might seem critical and might make you feel stupid, but when you really think  about what they say, it’s not to break you down but build you up.

Loving yourself is having a strong and unshakable foundation of who you are as a person. You won’t be easily swayed by people when you have your own life principles. I’ve read that “Confidence is not ‘they will like me’. Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t’.” And that’s just it! Be yourself and be happy. No matter what you do, there will be people who will judge you and your actions, so just screw them and live your life.

 

(Note: I AM 72 KILOGRAMS. I’M SENTIMENTAL AND CLINGY. I SUCK AT TIME MANAGEMENT. I’M SENSITIVE AND HIGH-TEMPERED. I’M AWKWARD AND I CAN’T SOCIALIZE THAT WELL. I’M HUMAN. AND I LOVE MYSELF! I will strive to be a better and stronger version of myself.)

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

 

P.S. There’s just so much quotes about loving yourself! I can’t choose just one featured image, so I’ll add some pics here:

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Shake It Off~~

I’m not really that much of a Taylor Swift fan. I listen to her music and I don’t particularly dislike her. But, I have taken so much interest for this song of hers which I have been listening to almost non-stop since last Friday. I like the concept of the lyrics and the content the music video shows. Now, being too critical and too logical about everything just sucks the fun and happiness from things, so why not choose to just enjoy the good music?

Anyways, people usually judge people for whatever they display in public. They could say really mean and obnoxious comments about your hair, your clothes, your habits, and what not. They wouldn’t necessarily say this in front of you. Heck, most of the time, they’d say this behind your back, making you clueless about the things they think of you.

Then, they’d start making jokes about you and laugh at you whenever you pass by. It would definitely make you feel inferior and self-conscious. “What’s wrong with me?” you’d start to say and start to find flaws and weakness in everything you do. It’s really hard feeling insecure about yourself all the time.

But, the thing is, people will hate and judge you for everything that you do. They’d make fun of you just for the sake of entertainment and hate on you just because you’re not like them, because you’re different. So, why would you have to stop being happy about who you are and what you do just because other people find it annoying?

Be yourself, say whatever you feel like saying, and do the things that make you happy. Screw other people. They need to stop fucking around other people’s lives and mind their own business. If they really want to help you improve, they’d approach you personally and tell you directly what you’re doing wrong. Now, it’s for you to decide whether or not those people have a point.

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Am I Really Ready?

Second thoughts? Not really since I have no choice with this one and I don’t really want to quit it, rather, I’m unable to tell if I’m ready to survive the next ten months. I know it’s not going to be easy, nothing is, but it really depends on how someone would look at it. I could see it as a new year and a new beginning and blah blah blah, but then again, I could see it as another year of hell. 

Being the particularly pessimistic realistic person that wants to be optimistic that I am, I choose to see it as another challenging ten months filled with happiness, sadness, and everything in between. Things would be different than the past year, since I’d be with a new group of people, new curriculum, and the like. And people and things change on their own, so I don’t know what to expect.

I think that I go through too much amount of drama than I should normally be going through. I mean, I’m not really good at prioritizing on what’s super important and what’s not-so important. I mean, the last year, I’d rather stalk my crush than doing actual work that I would benefit from. I don’t have any regrets (still convincing myself though) because I’ve learned from that (or at least I hope I did). So, for this year, less drama and focus more on the stuff that really matter.

Friends? I don’t know. I mean, last year, I had realized that not all your friends see you as a friend, or they do see you as a friend but not a close one. Groups are very common in school, and I’m not part of any. That’s supposed to be good since it means less drama and commitment, but I find it rather insulting. Like, I’m a decently good person and sometimes, my friends leave me for their other friends. Basically, not having a group means that I go through lunch alone sometimes. As I may be a very introvert-ish person, I hate being alone while I’m not reading a book. I just, don’t want to feel that dark vibes of being alone and abandoned by the ones who I hold dearly to my heart.

The schedule this year is pretty hectic. I mean, some days, I’d start class at seven in the morning, and end it at seven in the evening. I don’t think it’s going to be like that everyday, but I don’t like going home late and still need to do the assignments and study. I mean, WHAT. Although, I’m not complaining since that’s the reality, THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT. When I go to work, in the future, I have to give it my best 24/7, so yeah, it’s practice. 

One thing I’m really going to rant about here in this blog for the next ten months is, insecurity. I’m sure of it. This  year, I have to ride with the fourth years in going home, so I don’t really like them, nor they do they like me. Some boys are very annoying and may make me want to cry and whatever. I still don’t know how to conquer this problem, but I’m trying to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence so that they’d have a hard wall to deal with before I let them get to me. I just have to deal with the fact that there’s some people who will always put me down, whatever I do. I should just shut them out and figure things by myself and the people who genuinely love me. 

Is being fat the worst thing in the world? I don’t think so. I know I may be a lot fatter than most people, but that doesn’t make me less than a person than they are. That’s just really mean to judge someone by their weight. I mean, I could still do some pretty awesome stuff, like writing in this blog, and other stuff that I cannot recall at the moment. Get over it. 

Speaking of judging people, I just watched “Hairspray” and perceived it in another way compared on how I used to see it. I was just like ten years old when I first watched it and I had no idea what it was all about. Now, I see it as a great movie against racism and judging people by their physical appearance. I personally think that it’s harder to get close to people with dark complexion because I think that they’re different. Turns out, they aren’t, looking through their color, they’re just like me. I don’t judge them for being like that, rather I want to know who they are, really. Being different isn’t something bad, rather it’s something new and unique. Don’t waste your effort in fitting in when you were born to stand out. 

So, I’m still unsure of who I am and how I’m going to survive this year, but I do now that I’m not a quitter and I’m most certainly not someone who would do something bad to another person. And I care more about my studies than whatever people around me think of me, because that’s one of the few things that I do well.

I’m pretty nervous about this since this is my last chance to get into the “star section” van and become someone. Yeah, I know I’m already someone, but I want to matter. Like Augustus Waters, I want the world to know me, and I want to leave my scar in this world. I know it’s rare to actually do difference in our planet, our society, but it isn’t impossible either. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH, LOVE

 

I’m Tired of The Same Old Game

One minute, she’s there, badmouthing you behind your back and the next minute, she talks to you and asks you for favors, as if you’re her friend.

Users. That’s a common thing nowadays since true people are rare nowadays. You can’t help but despise them for making you feel bad as hell, then, simply asking you to do something for them. You’re not an toy that could be played around, thrown. You have actual feelings.

It’s actually pathetic for them to ask something from you when they’re the reason why you can’t speak up nor be confident with who you are. Those type of people are the reason why you sit around some corner and cry.

Bullies, yeah. It just really annoys me when they do that. They have no idea how miserable I feel whenever I overhear, find out, observe (or whatever you may call it) that they’re saying bad things about me behind my back. I know I’m not perfect, well, far from perfect, actually, but no thanks for the emphasis.

But, would it make me a bad person if I didn’t help them? I’m just returning the favor that they had done to me. That sounds rational, right? I know that I’m supposed to “love my enemies” but, it’s perfectly legitimate to hate them when they judge you without knowing who you are, first, usually about the so-called “physical appearance”.

Would it really cause me bad karma because I didn’t help them? I mean, they didn’t do anything to me to deserve my help. What goes around comes around, and that’s that. It goes two ways, dear.

Gah, I know I should help because I’m a good person or at least, I want to be one, but I’m tired of it, really.

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