Four-ever and Ever!

April 13, 2012: It Summer and Where Do We Begin?

“I had planned that this summer of 2012 will be the best summer (period) This is my first summer of being in high school and next school year, I’ll be in second year and that thought kind of makes me nervous. I don’t want to be second year yet. I want summer to feel like forever. But unfortunately, there’s only more than a month before summer ends. I had so much plans for summer this year which have disappeared and died as a thought. I also want to forget someone who meant so much to me and I didn’t even mean a thing to him. He found out that I liked him and well.. you get my point. I don’t know what to do.. I hope something exciting happens or something.”


April 13, 2013: This Same Day.. A Year Ago

“I didn’t really know what to do for this very special celebration, but a friend suggested that I write about my year of having this blog. I couldn’t say that my life changed completely because everything is still pretty normal to me. It’s still unfair, unpredictable and worth living…

I think the only difference was I always brought and wrote on a notebook, anytime anywhere. I’d write about my day, rants, movies, and more. I don’t post everything in this blog because some of it is kinda personal and contained information I was not permitted to post in this World Wide Web. After writing, I’d feel calmer, happier, and like I’d let go of some huge luggage. I also have noticed that I ACT-ed more this year. It was embarrassing, yes, but it was worthwhile.”


April 13, 2014: Happy 2nd Birthday, Blog!! 

“I made this blog exactly two years from now, and I’ve been writing in it ever since. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine life without this blog, and I wouldn’t ever know what it would be like. I know I don’t post here as often as I did when I started, but this year has been such a hassle and I didn’t really feel inspired to write. But, this blog has been helping me survive life by providing me my very own space to fill with words expressing my thoughts and emotions. Writing in this blog has given me someone to talk to when I feel like absolute crap, when I feel so alone, when I realize something rather amazing, and the like. This is like my online diary that other people could read and relate to. I’d say that it’s my companion while I grow up because as I write in this blog, time goes by and things change. I somehow document stuff and milestones in my life through this blog.

This blog is like the pictures I take, it’s permanent. Whatever happens, whatever changes, this blog would remain the same. In the future, I could re-read the posts I wrote when I felt depressed, the posts I wrote when something fantastic happened, etc. This is like my portal to my brain and my heart before it changes. I don’t always read my past posts because I’m too lazy to read everything, but when I do, I remember those memories, and just smile.”


April 13, 2015: Three Years and Counting

“So, this little blog of mine has kept me company for three years already. Though I do have friends, as I said, change is inevitable, so I’m relieved that I will always have that one companion to turn to in times of despair and share happy and insightful moments with. And that companion is my blog. Not that I don’t appreciate my family and friends. I am genuinely grateful to have been blessed with such loving and supportive family and friends, but of course there are still things and times when they don’t understand me and such, and during those times, this blog is where I let all my thoughts and feelings flow freely. And now, I’m about to embark on another adventure, the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Fortunately, I didn’t fuck up and I am blessed to have been accepted in my dream university. Oh my gods! I didn’t fuck up! You have to forgive me for seeming a bit over dramatic, but you see, I read a blog post of mine yesterday saying “I’m going to college next year, which means that I’ll take some entrance exams later this year and I’m dead nervous. Those tests define my future and, whatever happens, I’d like to know that I’ve done my best. I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I really hope that I don’t mess anything up. I feel like these things are happening too fast. It feels too real now and I have to do everything I can to pass those tests. Why did I say those stuff? Well, in the future, I’ll be reading this and would probably be smiling because present me has no idea what the future holds for me. I really wish I could gather my shit enough to not fuck up. Hmm.. what would this blog be like a year from now? Would I still be posting? Would I feel happy because I already know what my university would be? Would I be sad because I didn’t get in my dream university? I guess I have no way of knowing.”  I know now that I didn’t fuck up. Am I boasting too much, ah apologies. I’m just really happy.

As busy and tired as I might be in this coming school year, I don’t think I could survive the five long years of my course without this little blog of mine, my constant companion through life’s adventures. Yes, the future is still a great mystery of me, a mystery I have yet to unravel, but one thing’s for sure: I will keep writing here until my heart stops beating. It might not be as frequent nor as good as before, but, as I previously said, how lonesome life would be without a companion, right?”


TODAY, April 13, 2016: Four-ever and Ever!

Honestly, I cannot help but smile and be at the verge of crying tears of joy right now. Not only because I’m really close to losing my sanity because of college, but also because it’s been FOUR years since I’ve started writing in this blog of mine. I rarely read posts that I’ve previously written, so reading the posts I previously wrote for my blog’s anniversary is really just overwhelming. I’m filled with mixed emotions I can’t control!

So, the me back then is as clueless about the present as I am about the future. It makes me happy reading these posts and other previous posts, particularly about my future, because I’m living it and, though life feels like shit sometimes, it’s a dream come true! I can’t say the same about things further in my future, especially with Physics, but somehow I’ll manage to keep going on the path I’ve chosen. This blog is the closest to a time machine that I could probably get and I look forward to the future me reading this post.

I’d like to say that I’ve changed a lot since starting this blog four years ago, but I haven’t or at least not in a grand dramatic scale. I’m still clumsy, poor at time management, pretty awkward, sleepy, overly-sensitive, and stubborn. It sucks because I’m TOO stubborn to learn from my mistakes the first time, or even the second and third time, it happens. But, I’m slowly, but surely, growing and hopefully, in the future, I become the kind of woman I want to be- strong, smart, independent, kind, and beautiful, above all other things. I’m in this constant state of fluctuating, up and down and up and down, but it’s a way of knowing that I’m trying and I’m changing.

I love this blog. It’s a place where I can pour my heart, thoughts, and feelings out. It’s always there for me- when I’m sad and lonely, when I’m happy and feeling incredible, and when I have the urge to write because of something I realized. I mean, sure, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, but sometimes, they’re not there or they can’t understand. Without this blog, I think I would’ve exploded because of my thoughts a long time ago. I love writing and I love this blog.

What happens from here on out? I don’t know and, although I have no way of knowing what happens in the future, the future I still have ahead of me, I want to keep writing for as long as I live, until my last breath, until my heart’s last beat.

This blog has been keeping me sane for four years and it will continue four-evermore!

(Note: HAHAHA.. IT’S BEEN THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS OF HELL AND I’M CURRENTLY PREPARING MY REPORT FOR ENGLISH 11 AND I STILL NEED TO DO MY PHYSICS PROBLEM SET AND TONS OF OTHER STUFF, BUT HEY IT’S THIS BLOG’S 4TH BIRTHDAY, SO FUCK IT FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES.

THIS POST IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I DOUBT ANYONE WILL READ IT FROM BEGINNING TO THE END WITHOUT SKIPPING, BUT IT’S MY DRAMATIC 4TH ANNIVERSARY POST, SO IT’S FINE.

I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FOLLOWERS AND READERS FOR READING MY POSTS! A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO COMMENT! I’M REALLY JUST AN AMATEUR AND ALL I WANT IS TO RANT MY HEART OUT AND SOMEHOW HELP PEOPLE IN THE END, SO YEAH. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOU KEEP READING!

WELL, THAT’S ALL. HAHAHA. BACK TO REALITY.. :(:)

Always and Four-ever, The Girl With The Pen

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

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On Being Something Else

I just realized a few days ago that I wanted to be people’s catcher, someone that would catch them when they fall down. Everyone needs one since everyone falls down some time, even the ones that we thought were great and mighty. And, not wanting them to be alone, I want to be the someone that they’d turn to.

I have always been kind of curious about the lives of people I see around. I know there’s more to them that meet my eyes, and something in me wants to figure out what it is. I’ve been thinking about my course in college lately, and I want my second choice to be psychology.

Ever since I was a kid, I’d listen and try to give some advice to my friends who are in trouble or depression. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, much like what I feel sometimes when I’m all alone. It’s not really bad being alone. When you’re alone, you realize a lot of stuff, like this. 

I want to be there for people when they need someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on. A friend could be the most appropriate word for what I want to be to someone. A friend that would share happy times with you. But, also shares those shitty and depressing moments with you. 

That’s just me and we accept the love we think we deserve.

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Defying Gravity

I love that awesome song. It was introduced to me by a very dear friend of mine who went away. I miss her so much. I’ve had so many memories with her and my other friends. She’s super awesome so this blog post is dedicated to her. I love you, as a friend, dude. 

I’ve been replaying it for about 5 times now. I’m listening to it right now. Inspiration comes and goes so I thought about writing something about it right now. 

I’ve never tried defying gravity. I’ve been just another human that goes with the unsaid rules of this society. I’m tired of it. I hate the fact that I can’t talk at the bus because I’m scared of what people might say about me. I hate how I have to go with the flow and pretend to like people when I really don’t. It’s like being a puppet my whole high school life. I don’t want it that way. I want to not care what anybody says. I want to defy everyone’s expectations and impressions of me. 

I want to become someone who’s confident and smart. Someone who has her own foundation in life, rather than following what others say. I want to be the captain of my own life wherein no one could tell me what I should and should not do. 

Could I really do it or is this just another dream that would never come true? I don’t know how to defy gravity. I don’t know how to do this “change”. If I could just, keep my head up and do all of this, I would. But let’s be realistic here. 

Ah.. screw that. I’m going to jump and see if I could fly. You wouldn’t achieve anything if you won’t try. You’d be stuck in that box with boundaries set by this so-called society. And, so what if I fall. It’s just another lesson learned. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

I Don’t Want to Have Things Messed Up.. Again.

I’ve just finished my 2 Physical Education Homework and 1 Health Homework, and yet, I still have 3 assignments to finish. Ugh. Life.

I just can’t stop thinking about this one person that seems to be perfect. I love his quotes and attitude, his looks and personality, and his intelligence. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to think what your thinking that I should think. 

Ugh. I don’t want to have a crush, ever again. This guy is like 4th year and I’m just a sophomore. Whatever. And besides, he’s like my close friend’s crush, so, I get the perks of teasing her a lot. You should really hear their love story (I get cavities whenever I hear it). I’m trying to write a story about it but I seem to have no time for it. 

I want a reason to do my assignments and achieve my goals and shit, but I don’t want to depend on someone that I couldn’t depend on. I want it to be me and me alone. His posts are amazing. They help me finish things and stuff, but.. Alright.

I’ve made my decisions weeks ago not to crush on this guy and I’m standing by it. Besides, it’s only 5 months until.. well.. goodbye. 

So, yeah. Ugh. I have to continue this this crap that gives me grades. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Realization

I just realized recently that Taylor Swift’s wonderful and amazing song, Story of Us, doesn’t just apply to couples who broke up and miss each other, but it also applies to broken friendship caused by different goals/opinions in life. I mean, people, even twins, don’t have exactly the same views about life. I could even say that she changed by views/perspectives in life. I miss her a lot. She’s been an awzum friend, and now, I seem to have abandoned her and broke her trust. Well.. here’s the lyrics that I relate to, right now.

 

Taylor Swift~Story Of Us

I used to think one day we’d tell the story of usHow we met and the sparks flew instantlyPeople would say they’re the lucky ones
I used to know my spot was next to youNow I’m searching the room for an empty seat’Cause lately I don’t even know what page you’re on
Oh, a simple complicationMiscommunications lead to falloutSo many things that I wish you knewSo many walls up, I can’t break through
Now I’m standing alone in a crowded roomAnd we’re not speakingAnd I’m dying to know, is it killing youLike it’s killing me
I don’t know what to say since a twist of fateWhen it all broke downAnd the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
Next chapter
How’d we end up this way?See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busyAnd you’re doing your best to avoid me
I’m starting to think one day I’ll tell the story of usHow I was losing my mind when I saw you hereBut you held your pride like you should have held me
Oh I’m scared to see the endingWhy are we pretending this is nothing?I’d tell you I miss you, but I don’t know howI’ve never heard silence quite this loud
Now I’m standing alone in a crowded roomAnd we’re not speakingAnd I’m dying to know, is it killing youLike it’s killing me
I don’t know what to say since a twist of fateWhen it all broke downAnd the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
This is looking like a contestOf who can act like they care lessBut I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle’s in your hands nowBut I would lay my armor downIf you’d say you’d rather love then fight
So many things that you wish I knewBut the story of us might be ending soon
Now I’m standing alone in a crowded roomAnd we’re not speakingAnd I’m dying to know, is it killing youLike it’s killing me
I don’t know what to say since a twist of fateWhen it all broke downAnd the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy nowNow, now
And we’re not speakingAnd I’m dying to know, is it killing youLike it’s killing me?
And I don’t know what to say since a twist of fate’Cause we’re going downAnd the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
The end

Me vs. Who I want/need to be

I don’t know what to do? I’m in a terrible and complicated situation. I’ve got to really think about what my decision would be. Some people are gonna get hurt, including me. I can’t explain it through speaking/talking so I’m just going to go ahead with writing this blog.

So.. it started about last month. I was outside our geometry room, alone. Regretting everything. Crying and dying inside. Basically, broken. I was wishing that I was inside the classroom, listening to the teacher, with a class I really want to be in. But, the painful truth is, I will never be part of that section. So, I thought about fixing my mistakes, by being star section in 3rd year. I don’t care what the section’s name is, as long as it’s star section. And I’ve got this really awesome friend that’s in star section. I envy her. I mean, she’s supportive and all, but, while I’m hanging and talking with her, I forget who I want to be and just be me. Which is really bad since “me” is like lazy, daydreamer, etc. So, we both end up failing to do our supposed “cram” assignments. But, somehow, she still.. finishes it somehow. It’s like.. I get the hard fall. I mean, I love talking to her. She understands me.. ALOT. But, I need to be the person I want/need to be. 😦

And one day, before the periodic exams, I send her a text saying basically, I don’t want to talk to you cause’ you distract me too much from my studies. Well.. she might have another meaning for that.. but.. yeah. And she just replied a letter. Later on, she explained that she didn’t know what to say, so she replied that way. I tried ignoring her once, didn’t work out. I ended up riding the bus, filled with thoughts I could’ve shared with her.

Now, I really don’t know what to do. “Me” still wants to talk to her but for me to be the person I want to be, I’d have to decide. I don’t know if I could balance things. I’m not smart without studying, unlike some lucky people. I wish she could just say something without being mad at me. We’re currently fighting and I could barely handle it. She was supposed to lend me “The Fault in Our Stars” but I get it that she hates me and doesn’t want me to borrow it. My mom and I went to the bookstore last night, I was urged to buy a book. I had to decide between something written by John Green (an awesome author, I was told) and MOCKINGJAY by Suzanne Collins. I realized I haven’t read anything by John Green yet and I didn’t like super sad stories that much so, I bought MOCKINGJAY! Well.. I hope.. she understands and voice out her opinion.. :((