Four Years

When I first entered my high school, I didn’t think that I’d be able to graduate there. I was crying so hard and begging my parents to transfer me back to my old school. I missed my old friends, and even my old enemies. That’s how bad I wanted to return to my old school. But, I couldn’t do that not only because it wasn’t allowed (since the school year had started and they had a policy), but also because I had to survive the high school I chose to go to to be able to increase the chances of me attending my dream university. That was the main goal: to attend the University of *insert country/state here*. I couldn’t afford to lose sight of that.

So, with that goal in mind, I struggled to attend my classes and do my best. I eventually gained a few friends, which was amazing since I didn’t want to be always alone. No one does. I even had this group of friends that had this policy where we would be groupmates in any project where the teacher lets us divide ourselves to groups. They were really nice to work with because we’d do fun stuff while working on the project and we’d actually work on it together, than just one or two people working on it. And then, I had this other friend who stalked with me, ranted with me, and the like.

Also, I began to have crushes. I was really sad when I couldn’t attend an event that one of my previous crushes attended. I even marked that day “The day the earth fell down” on the calendar of my old phone. Gods. And the crush I had that started the October of my first year became my reason to wake up everyday and go to school for a while, since I got to see him every morning, even when it’s only the back of his head or whatever. I even had a song for him, which was “If This was a Movie” by Taylor Swift.

I really wanted to be in the star section during the following year, but I wasn’t one of the top students in my section, so I didn’t get in. At the time, I was really bothered by that that I was really quite dramatic and shitty during my second year. I tried doing better at my classes and went around blaming people for my faults. I even got to the point where I blamed my rant friend. Oh gods. I don’t think I could apologize enough to her for those times.

Second year was also the time where I leaned a thing or two about friendship. I had friends that formed a group without me and just left me alone. It was really shitty. THEY were really shitty. I’m sure you’ve felt that at least once in your life: to be left by those you hold of high importance. IT’S VERY SHITTY. But, we’re all alright now. So, anyways, that was the year that I met one of my best friends now, since we were in the same section. We have fights and feel bad towards each other sometime, but we go through it every time.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the star section, again, during my third year, but this time, it didn’t really matter anymore. I was with a section that accepted my corny jokes and somewhat occasionally perverted mind. I felt relaxed to be myself when I’m with them. Though there were still groups, I didn’t feel all that alone. It’s only normal to have groups, after all, and I couldn’t commit to any group since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with anyone anywhere, outside school and academics. We attended classes from 7 am to 7 pm so, basically, we were together for 12 HOURS. Looking back at it now, I wouldn’t have survived those days if my friends weren’t around me and if we didn’t have that much vacant hours.

That was also the year when I figured out that ranks and competitions didn’t matter as much as I thought it did. I though I had to be the best, to beat everyone. I felt mad and sad whenever there was someone who scored higher than me. That year, I realized that I shouldn’t blame others and hate them for scoring higher than me, cause’ they’re only same as me, trying their best at school. It wasn’t their fault whenever I didn’t get any recitation stubs or whenever I got a low score. It was mine. I had to struggle and do my best to have high scores while cheering others on. After realizing that, I was much happier.

Ah then there was depression. I think I was mainly depressed because I felt alone and like a failure. I was set off my measly things like not getting to deliver a fitting answer to the teacher in a subject I thought I was good. I also felt unwanted and unneeded at times. Oh boy. I felt like dying and shit. Thank God I survived those times.

And, finally, my fourth year. By this time, I was used to not being in the star section. And I figured that it was very pressuring to be in it, so I was content with the section I had. We were composed of all kinds of people. They hung out at malls and places, while I wasn’t allowed to go most of the time. I was very annoying, but I understood my parents’ point. My classmates from my previous section that were also my classmates in fourth year and I were a bit more attached to my previous section, so that created sort of a clash, but it wasn’t that big. I didn’t make a huge deal out of it anyway. We preferred to be with that section and that’s that.

With much hardwork and perseverance, dedication and determination, I did it. My subjects in fourth year weren’t easy at all, in fact, it was very very challenging. I sound like such a grade-conscious person. Of course, I also had times when I procrastinated, slept instead of studying for exams, and slept during class (oh my.. so many times!!). My mom often got mad at me for being so lazy and for doing things in the last minute, literally sometimes. Oh, and anime. Need I say more?

And now, here I am. Not only did I graduate and qualified for my dream university, but I also was awarded two awards. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now without all those depressing failures, those sleepless nights catching up the lessons the teachers taught while I was asleep, friends, both those who were always there by my side and those who still consider me as a friend even if we were only classmates for one year, my persevering and patient teachers, my ever supportive and loving family, and, of course, God who guided me all the way. And for all those experiences and people, I am truly blessed and grateful.

This blog was also part of my four-year journey in high school. I don’t think I would be able to keep my sanity without this. This is where I conveyed my thoughts and feelings, where I ranted my heart out, where I expressed my crushes and love for Logan Lerman (and several other celebrities).This blog is my tree, one of my marks to mankind, that grows and grows as I feed it with my writings. To infinity and beyond!

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

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The First Week of the Last Year

I am now in my fourth and last year of high school. This week was pretty stressful because of all the requirements and some assignments. I haven’t been posting on my Facebook pages or blogging here because I’m trying not to procrastinate much this year. This is my very last year of high school and I don’t want to screw it up. I really want to be awarded during recognition and graduation day. Graduation day!! Oh my gods, it’s like yesterday, I was this innocent girl crying because she misses her old school and friends. Now, well honestly speaking, I’m still me, just a bit more knowledgeable, more experienced, less innocent, and straighter hair. I haven’t really grown that much since first year, mostly because of lack of sleep.

But anyways, this week was alright. As of now, I like all my teachers. They seem sort of nice and they teach well. My classmates are okay, too. I have lunch with a few friends from my previous section or, sometimes, the section before that. My class schedule isn’t bad; It’s actually rather a good schedule. Basically, as people would say: 

Moving on to other things; I don’t think I’m over banana boy just yet. I really don’t know why. Whenever I see him, I just get this ridiculous adrenaline and rush away. Honestly, I’ve been trying to avoid him as much as possible because I can’t handle it. He’s been very nice and understanding about me having a crush on him last year, but he (let me rephrase this with “people who know a lot about him”) made it pretty clear that he likes (or maybe even loves) another girl and that he’s really really dedicated to her. In other words, in the end, I’m going to be the one to end up hurt if I don’t stop this right now. Maybe it’s because I just miss him and his familiarity to me? Maybe I just miss the sound of his voice when it breaks, his intelligence about history, and other stuff I liked about him. Okay, it’s over and I think the reason why I can’t say “hi” to him is that because we never actually did say “hi” to each other in a regular basis even before. I’m sure I’ll get over this sometime soon.

I’m also doing this “Weekend Bucketlist” thing where I list stuff I want to try during the weekends on the back of my notebook and try them. It’s mostly composed of music and movies this week. I’m hoping that it would make weekends more fun and less boring since I can try a lot of new stuff. 

The college exam is two months away. I need to continue studying during weekends and not screw up. I cannot screw this up. I. Just. Can’t. 

And, lastly, I watched “The Fault in Our Stars” movie today with my classmates last year and it was okay. As someone said to me, there isn’t any perfect adaptations, so given the circumstances, I think the movie was pretty close to the book. During the movie, I just kept remembering referenced to banana boy and ugh. I know we’re different. I know he likes someone else. Why do I still have this kind of feelings towards him? Nevermind. 

That pretty much sums up my week. See how many times I used the word “pretty”. I just don’t know what other adjective to use. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

 

May the 5th be with you..

I meant to go with the flow of everyone who’s saying “May the 4th be with you.”, but seeing that I’m already late with the trend, I’m sticking with my corny instincts. I haven’t written here in a while because I couldn’t write anything decent enough to post. Whenever I try writing something, I end up over thinking the time, worrying about more important things, and losing my inspiration to write. A review teacher told us that we shouldn’t write depending on inspiration, rather by force, because that’s how my college entrance essay would be like, forced.

Surprisingly, I’ve been sleeping early these past couple of days. Mind you, my definition of early is before or exactly 12 midnight. Even though I’d like to keep that record, I can’t. I don’t feel like sleeping right now and I’m reading this love story in Wattpad that just has me on the hook.

College. That is how I think I could sum up all the weeks I haven’t been able to write. I know that my actions don’t justify that statement, but it’s constantly been haunting me. I have to take these exams during my last year of high school, exams that would determine my future. Gods.

My mom recently told me during a very very tense walk around the village (it wasn’t the walk that was tensing), I should just study and do my very very best right now and during those exams because I shouldn’t stress out about the results, rather I should be stressed out if I didn’t review that much. She has an effective point there. I’ve been wasting time, being so nervous about the outcome, that I didn’t  lost time in actually studying for it. What good could stressing out and being nervous do to me? It would just steal the time I have to review and prepare for the actual exam.

Honestly, I have a lot of work to do and my time right now is limited. I am terrible at Geometry, I need to work some stuff out in Algebra, my vocabulary isn’t that wide enough (to know the words vouchsafing, intrepid, flummox, peregrinations, altruistic, etc.), my science is a little rusty, my reading comprehension is pretty okay, and my grammar skills are not that good enough.

My whole life has been revolving around this moment. I can fuck this up. I only get once chance and I shouldn’t fuck that one chance up. I need to focus on these kind of things, the kind of which are important and will greatly affect my future.

I’m excited for my fourth year in high school. I think the set of classmates I have aren’t half that bad. I’m lucky enough to know and be friends with some of them and none of the known bitches or jerks are my classmates, so I guess I’m good.

What else? Crushes? HA! Besides my old crush’s look-alike, I don’t think I have any interest in guys. Regarding the rules in courting, I think girls should be able to make the first move. It’s unfair that guys are the only ones that are allowed to court people they like. How about us, huh? Are girls just limited into standing and waiting for someone to ask them out or tell them that they like them? I know that it’s tradition for boys to initiate, but it’s the 21st century and girls should be able to do the same. Although, if either of them do it too often, I think that they’re just messing around people’s feelings and lives and that they should just stop flirting and start manning up and figuring out what and who they really want.

Am I planning to make the first move anytime soon? heck no. I don’t even have an actual crush at the moment. Up until now, I don’t know why I did what I did during Valentine’s day this year. I guess infatuation overcame me and convinced me that I really really liked that particular person who, in this blog, shall forever be named “Banana Guy” for no apparent reason whatsoever.

It’s already 1:31 am and I should be getting to sleep. Till’ next time..

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE