For You, From This Slightly Awkward Writer

Honestly, I’m not really good at writing poetry,

But my feelings can’t be expressed so openly,

Tried writing a story, didn’t know how to start,

So, here I am, with the thoughts I’d like to impart.

 

 

I started liking you since the very first day,

You had a nice face; just a happy crush anyway,

And you indirectly caused this writer a sprain,

Got distracted, missed a step, didn’t feel much pain.

 

 

Class was fun enough, you made it kinda brighter,

Just for a moment, everything seemed bit lighter,

I was early, and you, either late or absent,

Any exchanges between us? Non-existent.

 

 

But, there was this one time, when we actually talked,

By that time, you were so much more than how you looked,

Just a brief conversation, nothing note-worthy,

But enough to make me feel giddy- so happy.

 

 

We’ve reached the final stanza, me saying goodbye,

A poem is too short, but I just had to try,

I’m happy to have crossed paths with you, an artist,

Did my feelings reach you? I hope, at least the gist.

 

(Note: Well, this is quite different from my usual post nowadays, and that’s actually good since my usual posts are a bunch of rants haha. Originally, I had planned to post this on Wattpad, but I changed my mind later on because of reasons. So, as you might have guessed, this is a poem I wrote about one of my happy crushes this semester, someone who I probably won’t ever see again.)

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Four-ever and Ever!

April 13, 2012: It Summer and Where Do We Begin?

“I had planned that this summer of 2012 will be the best summer (period) This is my first summer of being in high school and next school year, I’ll be in second year and that thought kind of makes me nervous. I don’t want to be second year yet. I want summer to feel like forever. But unfortunately, there’s only more than a month before summer ends. I had so much plans for summer this year which have disappeared and died as a thought. I also want to forget someone who meant so much to me and I didn’t even mean a thing to him. He found out that I liked him and well.. you get my point. I don’t know what to do.. I hope something exciting happens or something.”


April 13, 2013: This Same Day.. A Year Ago

“I didn’t really know what to do for this very special celebration, but a friend suggested that I write about my year of having this blog. I couldn’t say that my life changed completely because everything is still pretty normal to me. It’s still unfair, unpredictable and worth living…

I think the only difference was I always brought and wrote on a notebook, anytime anywhere. I’d write about my day, rants, movies, and more. I don’t post everything in this blog because some of it is kinda personal and contained information I was not permitted to post in this World Wide Web. After writing, I’d feel calmer, happier, and like I’d let go of some huge luggage. I also have noticed that I ACT-ed more this year. It was embarrassing, yes, but it was worthwhile.”


April 13, 2014: Happy 2nd Birthday, Blog!! 

“I made this blog exactly two years from now, and I’ve been writing in it ever since. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine life without this blog, and I wouldn’t ever know what it would be like. I know I don’t post here as often as I did when I started, but this year has been such a hassle and I didn’t really feel inspired to write. But, this blog has been helping me survive life by providing me my very own space to fill with words expressing my thoughts and emotions. Writing in this blog has given me someone to talk to when I feel like absolute crap, when I feel so alone, when I realize something rather amazing, and the like. This is like my online diary that other people could read and relate to. I’d say that it’s my companion while I grow up because as I write in this blog, time goes by and things change. I somehow document stuff and milestones in my life through this blog.

This blog is like the pictures I take, it’s permanent. Whatever happens, whatever changes, this blog would remain the same. In the future, I could re-read the posts I wrote when I felt depressed, the posts I wrote when something fantastic happened, etc. This is like my portal to my brain and my heart before it changes. I don’t always read my past posts because I’m too lazy to read everything, but when I do, I remember those memories, and just smile.”


April 13, 2015: Three Years and Counting

“So, this little blog of mine has kept me company for three years already. Though I do have friends, as I said, change is inevitable, so I’m relieved that I will always have that one companion to turn to in times of despair and share happy and insightful moments with. And that companion is my blog. Not that I don’t appreciate my family and friends. I am genuinely grateful to have been blessed with such loving and supportive family and friends, but of course there are still things and times when they don’t understand me and such, and during those times, this blog is where I let all my thoughts and feelings flow freely. And now, I’m about to embark on another adventure, the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Fortunately, I didn’t fuck up and I am blessed to have been accepted in my dream university. Oh my gods! I didn’t fuck up! You have to forgive me for seeming a bit over dramatic, but you see, I read a blog post of mine yesterday saying “I’m going to college next year, which means that I’ll take some entrance exams later this year and I’m dead nervous. Those tests define my future and, whatever happens, I’d like to know that I’ve done my best. I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I really hope that I don’t mess anything up. I feel like these things are happening too fast. It feels too real now and I have to do everything I can to pass those tests. Why did I say those stuff? Well, in the future, I’ll be reading this and would probably be smiling because present me has no idea what the future holds for me. I really wish I could gather my shit enough to not fuck up. Hmm.. what would this blog be like a year from now? Would I still be posting? Would I feel happy because I already know what my university would be? Would I be sad because I didn’t get in my dream university? I guess I have no way of knowing.”  I know now that I didn’t fuck up. Am I boasting too much, ah apologies. I’m just really happy.

As busy and tired as I might be in this coming school year, I don’t think I could survive the five long years of my course without this little blog of mine, my constant companion through life’s adventures. Yes, the future is still a great mystery of me, a mystery I have yet to unravel, but one thing’s for sure: I will keep writing here until my heart stops beating. It might not be as frequent nor as good as before, but, as I previously said, how lonesome life would be without a companion, right?”


TODAY, April 13, 2016: Four-ever and Ever!

Honestly, I cannot help but smile and be at the verge of crying tears of joy right now. Not only because I’m really close to losing my sanity because of college, but also because it’s been FOUR years since I’ve started writing in this blog of mine. I rarely read posts that I’ve previously written, so reading the posts I previously wrote for my blog’s anniversary is really just overwhelming. I’m filled with mixed emotions I can’t control!

So, the me back then is as clueless about the present as I am about the future. It makes me happy reading these posts and other previous posts, particularly about my future, because I’m living it and, though life feels like shit sometimes, it’s a dream come true! I can’t say the same about things further in my future, especially with Physics, but somehow I’ll manage to keep going on the path I’ve chosen. This blog is the closest to a time machine that I could probably get and I look forward to the future me reading this post.

I’d like to say that I’ve changed a lot since starting this blog four years ago, but I haven’t or at least not in a grand dramatic scale. I’m still clumsy, poor at time management, pretty awkward, sleepy, overly-sensitive, and stubborn. It sucks because I’m TOO stubborn to learn from my mistakes the first time, or even the second and third time, it happens. But, I’m slowly, but surely, growing and hopefully, in the future, I become the kind of woman I want to be- strong, smart, independent, kind, and beautiful, above all other things. I’m in this constant state of fluctuating, up and down and up and down, but it’s a way of knowing that I’m trying and I’m changing.

I love this blog. It’s a place where I can pour my heart, thoughts, and feelings out. It’s always there for me- when I’m sad and lonely, when I’m happy and feeling incredible, and when I have the urge to write because of something I realized. I mean, sure, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, but sometimes, they’re not there or they can’t understand. Without this blog, I think I would’ve exploded because of my thoughts a long time ago. I love writing and I love this blog.

What happens from here on out? I don’t know and, although I have no way of knowing what happens in the future, the future I still have ahead of me, I want to keep writing for as long as I live, until my last breath, until my heart’s last beat.

This blog has been keeping me sane for four years and it will continue four-evermore!

(Note: HAHAHA.. IT’S BEEN THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS OF HELL AND I’M CURRENTLY PREPARING MY REPORT FOR ENGLISH 11 AND I STILL NEED TO DO MY PHYSICS PROBLEM SET AND TONS OF OTHER STUFF, BUT HEY IT’S THIS BLOG’S 4TH BIRTHDAY, SO FUCK IT FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES.

THIS POST IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I DOUBT ANYONE WILL READ IT FROM BEGINNING TO THE END WITHOUT SKIPPING, BUT IT’S MY DRAMATIC 4TH ANNIVERSARY POST, SO IT’S FINE.

I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FOLLOWERS AND READERS FOR READING MY POSTS! A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO COMMENT! I’M REALLY JUST AN AMATEUR AND ALL I WANT IS TO RANT MY HEART OUT AND SOMEHOW HELP PEOPLE IN THE END, SO YEAH. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOU KEEP READING!

WELL, THAT’S ALL. HAHAHA. BACK TO REALITY.. :(:)

Always and Four-ever, The Girl With The Pen

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

(Un)Selfish

(Note: This post, like any other of my posts, is just purely my thoughts, emotions, realizations, opinions, and such. You don’t have to necessarily agree with them and please don’t judge me for my way of thinking. Let’s just all get along and respect each others’ beliefs. Your cooperation is very much appreciated.)

As human beings, we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, whether we like it or not. One of the weaknesses that we may experience is “selfishness”. According to the website of Merriam-Webster, selfish means “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself :  seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”. I believe that everyone, no matter how good they seem to be, is selfish to some degree. And that’s only normal.

Of course being overly selfish is terrible, but you can’t help admit that you’ve at least thought of selfish thoughts or acted in a selfish manner. Who doesn’t want to get their way? From when we were babies crying to be fed or to be paid attention to when we are (young) adults and mope when we don’t get what we want. It’s practically in our genes. It really cannot be helped that we are selfish to a certain degree.

With all that being said, despite being selfish, we must understand that other people have their own priorities in life, too. Like us, they go struggle through different problems, they have people they love and treasure, and they have a life that they have, by all means, they right to live it. If there are things important to you, they also have things important to them.

I’m not saying that you should always give in to other people’s demands and sacrifice your own happiness, rather I’m helping you realize that, before selfishly thinking about yourself, you should also consider the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of those around you. For example, before throwing a trauma at your mom for not allowing you to go to your class’ outing, think of how tired she is, coming from work, and how she’s only thinking of your safety and well-being. Or maybe when a friend couldn’t come to a hang out you planned because (s)he had other plans that are more important to him/her.

Think before you say or do anything irrational. Yes, you might be hurt because life’s being cruel to you and doesn’t let you get your way. Thoughts like “WHY DIDN’T SHE LET ME GO? DOESN’T SHE TRUST ME?!” or “WHY CAN’T (S)HE GO? DAMMIT! I BADLY WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM/HER!” may cross your mind. Sulk and cry all you want. But, after that, you can become a better person and feel better by compromising a bit, like getting closure with your mom and talk openly about stuff. Maybe she’d understand how badly you want to attend the outing and let you go with a chaperon. Or maybe reschedule the hang out with your friend.

This world is cruel and unruly as it is. We can rise above it by acting rationally and, rather than purely being selfish, consider the people around us. Honestly, I know how hard it is. It’s really hard pushing yourself to think rationally and compromise with the other parties involved. For one, my siblings and I always argue about who gets to use the computer and if we would play board games as family time. We all have our selfish thoughts and reasons for being the way we are, but, again, we must consider the people around us. Being the eldest, it’s really conflicting battle of “I’m eldest and I get what I want.. ALWAYS!!” and “I’m eldest, so I have to be the mature and rational one”.

It’s always gonna be tough, but I think, the people who you give way for would really appreciate it. They might be strangers that needed a ride and you gave let them have the taxi you stopped on a rainy day, classmates who didn’t understand the lesson and you agreed to tutor them, even if it was during your free time and you could have been out enjoying, or your parents that desperately needed a break and you did the chores they were supposed to do. You really don’t know what they’re going through in their life, but by making them feel special or happy because you did something unselfish.

I’ll end this post with a quote that is slowly but surely influencing the way I live my life:

Quotes_08_5501

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

The First Week of the Last Year

I am now in my fourth and last year of high school. This week was pretty stressful because of all the requirements and some assignments. I haven’t been posting on my Facebook pages or blogging here because I’m trying not to procrastinate much this year. This is my very last year of high school and I don’t want to screw it up. I really want to be awarded during recognition and graduation day. Graduation day!! Oh my gods, it’s like yesterday, I was this innocent girl crying because she misses her old school and friends. Now, well honestly speaking, I’m still me, just a bit more knowledgeable, more experienced, less innocent, and straighter hair. I haven’t really grown that much since first year, mostly because of lack of sleep.

But anyways, this week was alright. As of now, I like all my teachers. They seem sort of nice and they teach well. My classmates are okay, too. I have lunch with a few friends from my previous section or, sometimes, the section before that. My class schedule isn’t bad; It’s actually rather a good schedule. Basically, as people would say: 

Moving on to other things; I don’t think I’m over banana boy just yet. I really don’t know why. Whenever I see him, I just get this ridiculous adrenaline and rush away. Honestly, I’ve been trying to avoid him as much as possible because I can’t handle it. He’s been very nice and understanding about me having a crush on him last year, but he (let me rephrase this with “people who know a lot about him”) made it pretty clear that he likes (or maybe even loves) another girl and that he’s really really dedicated to her. In other words, in the end, I’m going to be the one to end up hurt if I don’t stop this right now. Maybe it’s because I just miss him and his familiarity to me? Maybe I just miss the sound of his voice when it breaks, his intelligence about history, and other stuff I liked about him. Okay, it’s over and I think the reason why I can’t say “hi” to him is that because we never actually did say “hi” to each other in a regular basis even before. I’m sure I’ll get over this sometime soon.

I’m also doing this “Weekend Bucketlist” thing where I list stuff I want to try during the weekends on the back of my notebook and try them. It’s mostly composed of music and movies this week. I’m hoping that it would make weekends more fun and less boring since I can try a lot of new stuff. 

The college exam is two months away. I need to continue studying during weekends and not screw up. I cannot screw this up. I. Just. Can’t. 

And, lastly, I watched “The Fault in Our Stars” movie today with my classmates last year and it was okay. As someone said to me, there isn’t any perfect adaptations, so given the circumstances, I think the movie was pretty close to the book. During the movie, I just kept remembering referenced to banana boy and ugh. I know we’re different. I know he likes someone else. Why do I still have this kind of feelings towards him? Nevermind. 

That pretty much sums up my week. See how many times I used the word “pretty”. I just don’t know what other adjective to use. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE