Flash Post 22: ≈ A Month

I’m both happy and sad that this semester’s almost over. Happy because who doesn’t want a semester full of hell weeks (and class suspensions) to be over? And sad because this has been the best semester I’ve had in a while, in terms of people, schedule, and academic performance. It’s really too soon to say, though, considering that I still need to get more than passing scores for the remaining exams to pass in at least two of my classes. Sure, the stakes are higher than ever for the rest of the semester, but for the first time in a long time, I actually believe that I can manage it, hoping that I get my shit together enough to get through this.

Part of the reason why this semester’s great is the people who do seemingly little things that mean a lot to me, the new friends I’ve met only this semester but have become rays of sunshine to my day, the close friends who’re always there for me in more ways than one, and, of course, my family who’re constantly supporting me and challenging me to do my best in everything I do. They might not realize it and I might not always tell them or show them, but I am very blessed to have them in my life and I’m very grateful for the things they do.

Only around a month to go and I really need not to mess this up. Well, I’m aiming for better than not mess it up, but that’s probably the least that I can do. I don’t want my efforts to be for naught.

Just one month. Just a bit more to go.

I guess I’m posting this to thank the people who make my days a lot brighter, to motivate myself to do more than survive, to make myself believe that I’m actually capable of managing the rest of this semester, to prove to myself that I can actually write something that isn’t about the guy I like, and a whole lot of reasons. Well, except to finish my write-up for the art gallery visit because this obviously isn’t it.

There’s a lot of good things and bad things about this semester, a lot of good days and not-so good days, and I guess liking him is like that too – heartwarming and heartbreaking.

And… I’ve failed to finish this post without mentioning him, but he’s been a huge part of this semester and I can’t set that aside. ありがとうございました。 私はあなたがとても好きです。

さようなら~!!

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

 

Disclaimer: I don’t understand much of the Japanese language. I neither speak nor write in Japanese on a regular basis. The translation was generated through Google Translate.

 

 

P.S. Happy November!!!

 

 

 

 

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W02Y03

Two weeks into the semester of my third year in college and I’m alright. I still have my sanity intact and I haven’t fucked up, last time I checked. I don’t really intend to fuck up this semester, or any semester (past and future) for that matter. Sometimes, I just do. But I’ll try my hardest not to this semester onward… Well, rather I’ll try my best this semester onward haha.

I’ve just recently realized that binge watching The Flash during weekdays (AND weekends) isn’t such a good idea. It basically just replaced KDrama and anime as my “Ah lemme give myself some slack during dinner” bad habit. I love the series and I love the characters and I love the plot (well, I’m kinda if-y about it rn), but I have to study and practice more, especially since I’m taking the subject that I dropped last semester and re-taking a class that I failed last semester, too. I’m already in season three tho so I might binge watch it this long weekend HAHAHA… after studying ;).

Lately, I’ve been feeling more “out of place” at a certain place. Hmm well I’ve never really felt “in place” at that certain place, but I think I’ve forgotten how it felt like ’till now. I mean, there are times when I feel like I belong there and I love being part of something as great as that group, but during regular days, it’s just a bit depressing. A friend of mine asked me if I’d join the same group if I had a choice (time travel or something) and when I first thought about it, I couldn’t imagine not joining that group because of how long I’ve been part of it. It’s not an “no”, but it’s not a definite answer either. But now my answer would be a “yes”, but I would probably change most of the stuff I did wrong and didn’t do in the past. I’m not asking for an out, just a redo. But that isn’t possible now either. I guess all I can do now is to adapt (which is a REALLY hard thing to do) and to improve myself. How I feel about that place isn’t their fault AT ALL, it’s just me and I need to do something about it.

Also, for this post, I wanted to appreciate all the people in my life. First of all, I’d like to thank my family. Yes, we fight A LOT (we’ve been fighting more recently), but no matter how intense and hurtful and hurt we can get, I love them so much and I can’t imagine a life without them. (I tried not crying while writing that, but I failed.)

Secondly, I’d like to also thank my best friends, especially my best guy friend and my best friend who stays with me even though she knows that there is never a moment where I’m “calm, cool, collected” (there’s just messy and really f*cking messy), for keeping me relatively sane. Although I don’t get to see most of them often, I make the time to chat with them and invite them to hang out cos I’m clingy af.

Thirdly, a big “thank you” to the people I’m not that close with (See, I’d consider them all friends, but I don’t know if they feel the same way) but who make everyday more enjoyable. Thank you for letting me ride with you to places, for letting me drag you to spontaneous dinners, for helping me with school works, for having delightful conversations with me, and for making the walk to class less tiring and actually fun.

I’m very grateful to these people and extremely thankful for having been blessed with such amazing people in my life. So for the last (but certainly not the least) thank you, I’d like to thank God for these people and for guiding and protecting and blessing me every single day. I commit sins and make mistakes, but I am a child of God and I believe in His word. Things might seem difficult, right now, but God has a bright future planned for me and I’m going to trust Him.

So there you have it! My supposed flash post that became the basic summary of how my life rn is going. I know I swore a lot, then ended with a very religious paragraph. See, I haven’t sworn off swearing completely, but verbally, I’m swearing a bit less haha.

Before I end this post, let me just include some gifs cos I love how I can include gifs in my posts now XD.

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I hope you have a great day and amazing life cos you deserve it!

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE



Note: I guess I’m addicted to gifs now HAHAHA. *Insert stuff I can’t include here.. here”. And, if you’re still reading, I made the title “W02Y03” cos it’s the second week of my third year and I’ve been binge watching flash XD.

Also, if you’re not Christian, I completely respect your religious views and I hope you do the same for mine. LET’S SHARE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TO EVERYONE!!!

 

Please Don’t Forget

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget anything about my life. I don’t want to forget the people who made me feel loved and special. I don’t want to forget the people who have forgotten me already. I don’t want to forget the places I’ve been to and the things I’ve done. I don’t want to forget any of my memories and how I felt remembering them. I don’t want to forget the experiences I’ve had and how they made me feel. I don’t want to forget who I am and how I chose to live my life. I don’t want my life to disappear from my memory.

I want to remember the happiness I felt when I first saw my sisters. I want to remember how excited I was whenever it was my birthday and whenever Christmas came because I’d always celebrate with my family. I want to remember how awesome my childhood days were, playing around the park with my neighbors whose last name I didn’t even know. I want to remember how joyful I was whenever my dad came home.I want to remember how books and anime became my escape when reality was too much. I want to remember the good times I spent with my classmates. I want to remember how I felt hanging out with my friends and wanting it to last longer, every time. I want to remember how amazing I felt when I found out I got in my dream university. I want to remember how happy I was whenever weekends came and I got to go home and see my family.

I want to remember the sadness I felt whenever my dad left for work. I want to remember how much I missed the friends that have already left me behind and those I don’t get to see that often. I want to remember how sad movies, even if they’re not that sad, made me cry. I want to remember the pain I felt whenever I had a low score or grade. I want to remember how awful I felt during those times that I wanted to be in the star section, but I didn’t get in. I want to remember how hard it was to survive both my first year in high school and in college, the crying, the struggle, and everything. I want to remember all the things I’ve ever regretted, even those that lasted only for a little while.  I want to remember the bad times I had with my classmates, the loneliness I felt.

And most of all, I want to remember me. I want to remember how quiet and shy I was, though I hated that part of me and tried to get over it. I want to remember how I’d choose to stay home over some social gathering, even though I probably regret doing that. I want to remember how I planned my future when I was only in sixth grade. I want to remember how I wanted to cut my heart up and give the pieces to the people I love, to the things I love doing, and to whatever my heart beat for. I want to remember how I thought that would be better than having my heart for myself. I want to remember all the things I’ve forgotten, all of it. I want to remember how I thought pizza was happiness (because it is!). I want to remember how thankful I was to God for everything and everyone in my life, for his continuous guidance and protection. And I want to remember how I believed that love is the most beautiful and powerful thing in the whole wide world.

 

(NOTE: Okay, so I just finished watching “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind” and though that movie didn’t really make me cry, how I felt about forgetting, especially the ones I love right now, kinda did. I don’t care if I get hurt, or if my heart breaks into shattered pieces, or if I suffer the pain of regret. I don’t want to forget anything, especially the things that made me happy, even if it was just for a little while, because it still did.)

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Nobody said it was easy~

As the semester comes to an end, so do I. Honestly, I’m literally dead during the weekday and only come alive during the weekends that are really too short. It’s really sad, actually. And I don’t know how I’m actually going be able to fix it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this hopeless in my life. Sure, I’m a pessimistic optimist, but this time around, it’s like I’m on the verge of giving up. GIVING UP. Old me would probably kill me if she reads me write that. Funny how that phrase contains the reason why I’m struggling right now and the reason why I’ve been struggling so hard, so far.

So, college isn’t the dream come true that I thought it would feel like. I got in my dream university and now I’ve got to stay in for AT MOST 5 years. I didn’t really think this ahead. Why did I grow up wanting to go the uni anyway? Why did I grow loving it?

What if I didn’t?

BUT those thoughts stop there. Because I do know why I chose it, besides the fact that it was the only school I knew until- what- fourth grade? I chose it because it’s one of the most amazing universities, recognized internationally. I chose it because I believe that it will my future as bright as it could possibly be. I chose it because, for me, there’s nowhere to go but (hihi).. I chose it and I am not giving up. 

Whatever happening isn’t anyone’s fault by my own. My family has been nothing but supportive and loving. My friends, let’s just say they help keep my sanity in check. And God, above anything and anyone else, guides me to the path that He has prepared before me, protects me and my family, and supports me every single time, without fail. AND I’M THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

Therefore, if I mess anything up, it’s all me, and I don’t want to mess anything more than I already have. I just reaaally don’t know how to get my shit together. If you guys have some suggestions as to how I can make it possible, please write it down in the comments and I shall try to make it happen (try to the best of my abilities, that is).I would really really appreciate it! Honestly, I’m lost inside a pit of my own creation and it’s hard to climb out.

I regret not studying enough. I regret not knowing enough about Physics, Chemistry, and Math to understand it. I regret all those reaction papers I didn’t write. I regret everything I’ve done wrong during this semester.

But nothing’s over yet. 

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

 

 

Four-ever and Ever!

April 13, 2012: It Summer and Where Do We Begin?

“I had planned that this summer of 2012 will be the best summer (period) This is my first summer of being in high school and next school year, I’ll be in second year and that thought kind of makes me nervous. I don’t want to be second year yet. I want summer to feel like forever. But unfortunately, there’s only more than a month before summer ends. I had so much plans for summer this year which have disappeared and died as a thought. I also want to forget someone who meant so much to me and I didn’t even mean a thing to him. He found out that I liked him and well.. you get my point. I don’t know what to do.. I hope something exciting happens or something.”


April 13, 2013: This Same Day.. A Year Ago

“I didn’t really know what to do for this very special celebration, but a friend suggested that I write about my year of having this blog. I couldn’t say that my life changed completely because everything is still pretty normal to me. It’s still unfair, unpredictable and worth living…

I think the only difference was I always brought and wrote on a notebook, anytime anywhere. I’d write about my day, rants, movies, and more. I don’t post everything in this blog because some of it is kinda personal and contained information I was not permitted to post in this World Wide Web. After writing, I’d feel calmer, happier, and like I’d let go of some huge luggage. I also have noticed that I ACT-ed more this year. It was embarrassing, yes, but it was worthwhile.”


April 13, 2014: Happy 2nd Birthday, Blog!! 

“I made this blog exactly two years from now, and I’ve been writing in it ever since. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine life without this blog, and I wouldn’t ever know what it would be like. I know I don’t post here as often as I did when I started, but this year has been such a hassle and I didn’t really feel inspired to write. But, this blog has been helping me survive life by providing me my very own space to fill with words expressing my thoughts and emotions. Writing in this blog has given me someone to talk to when I feel like absolute crap, when I feel so alone, when I realize something rather amazing, and the like. This is like my online diary that other people could read and relate to. I’d say that it’s my companion while I grow up because as I write in this blog, time goes by and things change. I somehow document stuff and milestones in my life through this blog.

This blog is like the pictures I take, it’s permanent. Whatever happens, whatever changes, this blog would remain the same. In the future, I could re-read the posts I wrote when I felt depressed, the posts I wrote when something fantastic happened, etc. This is like my portal to my brain and my heart before it changes. I don’t always read my past posts because I’m too lazy to read everything, but when I do, I remember those memories, and just smile.”


April 13, 2015: Three Years and Counting

“So, this little blog of mine has kept me company for three years already. Though I do have friends, as I said, change is inevitable, so I’m relieved that I will always have that one companion to turn to in times of despair and share happy and insightful moments with. And that companion is my blog. Not that I don’t appreciate my family and friends. I am genuinely grateful to have been blessed with such loving and supportive family and friends, but of course there are still things and times when they don’t understand me and such, and during those times, this blog is where I let all my thoughts and feelings flow freely. And now, I’m about to embark on another adventure, the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Fortunately, I didn’t fuck up and I am blessed to have been accepted in my dream university. Oh my gods! I didn’t fuck up! You have to forgive me for seeming a bit over dramatic, but you see, I read a blog post of mine yesterday saying “I’m going to college next year, which means that I’ll take some entrance exams later this year and I’m dead nervous. Those tests define my future and, whatever happens, I’d like to know that I’ve done my best. I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I really hope that I don’t mess anything up. I feel like these things are happening too fast. It feels too real now and I have to do everything I can to pass those tests. Why did I say those stuff? Well, in the future, I’ll be reading this and would probably be smiling because present me has no idea what the future holds for me. I really wish I could gather my shit enough to not fuck up. Hmm.. what would this blog be like a year from now? Would I still be posting? Would I feel happy because I already know what my university would be? Would I be sad because I didn’t get in my dream university? I guess I have no way of knowing.”  I know now that I didn’t fuck up. Am I boasting too much, ah apologies. I’m just really happy.

As busy and tired as I might be in this coming school year, I don’t think I could survive the five long years of my course without this little blog of mine, my constant companion through life’s adventures. Yes, the future is still a great mystery of me, a mystery I have yet to unravel, but one thing’s for sure: I will keep writing here until my heart stops beating. It might not be as frequent nor as good as before, but, as I previously said, how lonesome life would be without a companion, right?”


TODAY, April 13, 2016: Four-ever and Ever!

Honestly, I cannot help but smile and be at the verge of crying tears of joy right now. Not only because I’m really close to losing my sanity because of college, but also because it’s been FOUR years since I’ve started writing in this blog of mine. I rarely read posts that I’ve previously written, so reading the posts I previously wrote for my blog’s anniversary is really just overwhelming. I’m filled with mixed emotions I can’t control!

So, the me back then is as clueless about the present as I am about the future. It makes me happy reading these posts and other previous posts, particularly about my future, because I’m living it and, though life feels like shit sometimes, it’s a dream come true! I can’t say the same about things further in my future, especially with Physics, but somehow I’ll manage to keep going on the path I’ve chosen. This blog is the closest to a time machine that I could probably get and I look forward to the future me reading this post.

I’d like to say that I’ve changed a lot since starting this blog four years ago, but I haven’t or at least not in a grand dramatic scale. I’m still clumsy, poor at time management, pretty awkward, sleepy, overly-sensitive, and stubborn. It sucks because I’m TOO stubborn to learn from my mistakes the first time, or even the second and third time, it happens. But, I’m slowly, but surely, growing and hopefully, in the future, I become the kind of woman I want to be- strong, smart, independent, kind, and beautiful, above all other things. I’m in this constant state of fluctuating, up and down and up and down, but it’s a way of knowing that I’m trying and I’m changing.

I love this blog. It’s a place where I can pour my heart, thoughts, and feelings out. It’s always there for me- when I’m sad and lonely, when I’m happy and feeling incredible, and when I have the urge to write because of something I realized. I mean, sure, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, but sometimes, they’re not there or they can’t understand. Without this blog, I think I would’ve exploded because of my thoughts a long time ago. I love writing and I love this blog.

What happens from here on out? I don’t know and, although I have no way of knowing what happens in the future, the future I still have ahead of me, I want to keep writing for as long as I live, until my last breath, until my heart’s last beat.

This blog has been keeping me sane for four years and it will continue four-evermore!

(Note: HAHAHA.. IT’S BEEN THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS OF HELL AND I’M CURRENTLY PREPARING MY REPORT FOR ENGLISH 11 AND I STILL NEED TO DO MY PHYSICS PROBLEM SET AND TONS OF OTHER STUFF, BUT HEY IT’S THIS BLOG’S 4TH BIRTHDAY, SO FUCK IT FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES.

THIS POST IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I DOUBT ANYONE WILL READ IT FROM BEGINNING TO THE END WITHOUT SKIPPING, BUT IT’S MY DRAMATIC 4TH ANNIVERSARY POST, SO IT’S FINE.

I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FOLLOWERS AND READERS FOR READING MY POSTS! A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO COMMENT! I’M REALLY JUST AN AMATEUR AND ALL I WANT IS TO RANT MY HEART OUT AND SOMEHOW HELP PEOPLE IN THE END, SO YEAH. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOU KEEP READING!

WELL, THAT’S ALL. HAHAHA. BACK TO REALITY.. :(:)

Always and Four-ever, The Girl With The Pen

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Momentum

While reading my elementary batchmates’ yearbook (which is also my sisters’.. it’s both an elementary and high school, alright?), I felt quite a lot of things: nostalgia- remembering some memories from my elementary days spent with them, that “What If” Feeling- thinking what kind of person I could have been if I had stayed, and sadness- realizing how little I’ve done with my life so far.

See, each graduate has their own page in the book which features a picture of them, some info, a short essay about them, and their achievements. I’m happy for them, OF COURSE I AM! But seeing how they’ve grown so much makes me reflect a bit. While they were off achieving things and doing good, what have I been doing? What the heck have I achieved, so far? I know that I shouldn’t be thinking too lowly of myself cause’ I didn’t achieve nothing, it’s actually something I’m quite proud of, too, but.. it’s like.. I could have done more. I want to do more.

So now, thanks to that, I’m on my toes. I think, right now, I’ve sort of lost my way. I’ve settled with where I am and how I’m doing right now, which is far below average. Where is the me who knew exactly what she wanted and fought long and hard for it? I know I’ve gone quite a long way, but I still have a long way to go and if I want to catch up with the achievements of my batchmates, no actually, if I want to keep chasing after my dreams and to be the woman who I want to be in the future, I cannot settle for this mediocre performance I’m doing right now.

My passion and my dreams, my friends and my family- they give me a purpose in life, a reason to live. And these are the things and people I will fight for and die for and I swear, if I would be the happiest dead person if I die knowing I did all that I could have done, if I lived my life to the fullest.

This is me and this is how I will live my life.

(Note: Okay, so this post is mostly about me, but I meant it for all those who want to do more in their lives and to live it chasing after their dreams, being passionate, and being who they want to be because everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves to live their life the way they want to live it. No, actually, Everyone deserves to live. So many people feel so low about themselves when they’re really so beautiful that it’s so sad.

This post is titled “Momentum” cos I felt that I had so much to say and I know how fast inspiration comes and goes. Hopefully, this post made sense and it helped people somehow.)

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

The Start of Something Great

It’s almost 2016 and I’m really quite excited! I mean, it’s another 365 (+1 yay leap year!) Days filled with happiness, sadness, learning, experiences, and so much more! We don’t really know what’s in store for us right now, but it’s always better to start the brand new year in high spirits, ready for whatever life has for us!

Have you made your resolutions? Well, I have. Most of my friends told me that they didn’t bother making any because they wouldn’t be able to follow it anyway. But I think it’s still nice to make a list of things you can improve on to keep track. Personally, little by little, I can see myself improving and that’s always a good feeling- to feel that you’ve grown into a better person, even if it’s just one step at a time.

Celebrate another year of life for everything that it has to offer. Actually, spend everyday and take it for everything that it is! We don’t know when we’ll die, so live every single day as if it’s your last. And I don’t mean like “YOLO party hard!!”. Cherish your loved ones. Share your love to the needy. Love yourself and choose happiness. Speak up!

And to those who think that they’re hopeless, trust me when I tell you that you most definitely still have hope. This is a brand new year and whatever troubles you’ve had in the past, you can still mend them somehow. If you think that you’re fucked up, let me tell you that you can still change. You just need to stay strong, hold on, and keep moving forward. I believe in you. You CAN do it.

So, cheers to the unforgettable memories, lessons, and experiences that 2015 brought and here’s to another brand new beginning, the start of something so great- the year 2016!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 🙂 ❤