Yesterday was really sort of depressing and, for the most part, I didn’t know why exactly. I’ve got ideas on why my day started out on the wrong foot, but most of them aren’t considered as a big deal, really. I didn’t do well on my exam the other day (which is probably the only one that’s a “big deal”). I had to wear a skirt and borrow sandals for school yesterday cause’ I didn’t have any pants that I could wear. I wasn’t able to finish my part of the homework (but I did most of it, anyway, so this is probably fine).
You think it’s the outfit, too, right? Yup, probably the outfit.
And the fact that it was the last day for a class I really liked (for all sorts of reasons, not so much the class itself, honestly) and I wasn’t prepared. Well, most people would be happy that we don’t have to go to class anymore tomorrow, but I’m kind of not.. happy about it.
As an over thinker, of course I just had to deprive myself of the pleasure of being “in the moment” by being sad about how it’s ending and how it’s gonna be the “last time”.
I hadn’t seen them in a week and I wish I hadn’t been sad about the whole thing.
The weather wasn’t feeling all the sunny either. And the last walk was the quietest walk we’ve had ever, I think.
I wish I could’ve said more stuff, but I was over-analyzing the situation, thinking shitty things, and I just felt kind of sick, really.
The point is, things could’ve gone better if I had done some things differently. I was just so anxious and sad, so it just kind of ended like that.
BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT!
See, I thought that a close friend of mine (who I haven’t seen in a week) was acting kind of cold towards me (because we’re usually really kind of clingy to each other), but, as usual, I was just over thinking it and she’s a really great friend whose advice kind of gave me some peace of mind.
And I thought I was being a bother to someone who’s really considerate and kind and I’m sure he has flaws somewhere, but his good points outweigh his bad points, I think. It’s still a bit scary with this one, actually, to the point where I end up not doing anything cause’ I’m afraid that I’d do too much (cross some invisible line, maybe?) and scare him off.
But, as my close friend said, people actually tell you whether or not you’re a bother (well, too much of a bother since some of them can tolerate a certain level). And while I know most people aren’t like that, I know they are. So I hope they tell me if I’m bothering them too much.
And then there’s my mom. I knew what I had to do, but I still did the thing I knew I shouldn’t do. Last night was a mess, but my mom’s still the best. I seriously doubt there’s anyone else like her.
AND THERE’S JUST A LOT OF PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT I AM SO BLESSED WITH AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THEM BUT THANK GOD THEIR IN MY LIFE CAUSE’ I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
And it’s actually still very scary to be left alone, really.
But that’s for another time. I still have two exams today and let’s go, derivatives!
To the person that I like,
Even though you know I have a blog, already, I highly doubt you’d be reading this, so I’ll just leave it here.
I hope you don”t get scared cause’ I’m really afraid I’d scare you off. I really want to get to know you better cause’ I like you and I think that’s normal. Please tell me if I’m bothering you too much because that’s one of the last things I want to do.
ALSO, I’ll admit I did some pretty stupid things, but please don’t dislike me for that reason, if you’ve come to that realization. We’re both alright with it now and just don’t bring it up. Just properly talk things out.
Am I a very messy person right now?
It’s 4 am and I’ve only had 2 hours of sleep.
Do I still love my life?
OF COURSE I DO!
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE