Flash Post 26: A Really Messy Post

(I’m turning 20 years old next year… I kinda don’t want to.)

It’s 9 am and I’m here writing at my dormitory. Good thing I don’t have an 8:30 class anymore. I would’ve been late for that if I did.

I didn’t do so well on my exam yesterday. I studied more than I  did the past exams, but I should’ve practiced more by answering more exercises.

“There comes a point in a person’s life” wherein they know they’re screwed, mid-exam.

But my mom says I shouldn’t give up yet, since there’s still finals and she didn’t raise a quitter. And, well, “Mother knows best”.

So, I have 2 exams tomorrow, an exam on Saturday, 2 exams next Monday, an exam next Tuesday, an exam next Friday, and finally, an exam next Saturday.

A grand total of 8 more exams left for this semester.

In less than 2 weeks…

I’ve survived a lot worse.. And hey! I’m exempted from taking the finals for one majors class.



There are a lot of things that could’ve gone better if only I had done something differently. I could’ve avoided a lot of arguments with my mom/parents if  I had a different tone or if I had said something different. I could’ve done better at school if only I wasn’t sleepy, lazy, and stubborn. I could’ve had more friends if I wasn’t so damn awkward.

There’s a million things I could’ve done, but I didn’t.

And this post is getting sad, but that’s kinda how I feel right now. Because of the previous line though, I thought of something that could turn this sad frown upside down!

“There’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait.”

Which is a line from the spectacularly amazing musical Hamilton: An American Musical.

(I spelled the word “musical” correctly, but it’s underlined in red and it looks weird, when you really look at it.. Hmmm…)

MY POINT is that I’m only 19 years old and there’s still so much I could do.

Life isn’t over yet and, while I’m going to have to face a lot of challenges..

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Image result for i can do all things through him who strengthens me

Image result for for with god, nothing is impossible

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I really didn’t mean for it to become a post full of bible verses, but I’m glad it turned out this way.

If you aren’t a Christian, I still completely respect you and your beliefs. I ask you to do the same for me.

This post is kinda messy and I still don’t like the idea of wearing a skirt to school today.

Oh well…

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

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Flash Post 25: And The List Goes On..

Two months and a day after Flash Post 018: Things I Probably Shouldn’t Do Again.., I’m back with more stuff I probably should never do again! Honestly, I might have repeated some of the things on that previous list, but I’ve done a few new stupid stuff . It just proves THREE things: 1.) the list grows longer as I get older, 2.) you never stop learning in life, and 3.) you can only do so much stupid stuff in a lifetime.

Without further ado, here’s a continuation of the list of things “I probably shouldn’t do again”!

I WILL NEVER…

16. Not plan my activities during the weekends, especially during long breaks…..

17. Not attend class on a whim because I suddenly feel “sick” due to recent events…..

18. Talk about too many personal things with too many people…..

19. Plan something so detailed without more than minimal consultation with the parties involved…..

20. Cram a take home exam, given DAYS BEFORE, a few hours before the deadline…..

(Well, personally, I’ve faced worse, but I’m putting this anyway because, instead of prioritizing the work during the weekend, I watched the new episodes of The Flash season four, watched the new episodes of Riverdale season two, watched the eighth episode of Shokugeki no Soma, and a lot of other stuff. SO, I think I could’ve handled this one a lot better if only I did it before everything else. Which I didn’t.)

21. Avoid studying for an exam (and, well, taking the exam itself) by not-so subtly refusing to leave an establishment while in the company of my friends…..

22. Insensitively hurt a friend by making them do something that would hurt them, even if both of us are unaware (to a certain degree) of how much it would eventually hurt them…..

23. Not frequently check my bank accounts to ensure that I’m not literally broke af while I’m away from home…..

24. …..

EVER AGAIN!!

So, that’s a total of EIGHT more things added to the list of stupid (and awful) things I should never do again.

I admit that I’ve gotten a lot messier these past few weeks than my usual messy for some reason and I would’ve said that it’s okay since it’s part of life and growing, BUT I’ve really done a significant amount of damage to the relationship I have with some people because of my stupidity (and my being stubborn af). Honestly, I’ve gotten into two INTENSE arguments with someone I really love and I’ve put an important friend of mine in really weird situations because of my actions, above a lot of other things. And even then, both people are still talking to me and are still treating me with kindness AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THESE PEOPLE AND ALL THE PEOPLE I HAVE I MY LIFE BUT THANK GOD FOR THEM BECAUSE I DOUBT I’D SURVIVE LIFE WITHOUT THEM!

These past weeks could’ve been easier and a lot simpler if I hadn’t done a few things and if I had done things differently. I still have an exam tomorrow morning, a problem set due tomorrow afternoon, and a bonus lab worksheet due this Friday and here I am writing a blog post, holding onto my sanity for dear life.

Just 2 more weeks of classes and finals week… Just a bit more…..

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Me (at this point of the semester) and being dramatic af:

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(Side note: If you guys don’t know, the “man” running in the .gif is Deepmind’s artificial intelligence and it’s pretty cool, so if you want, you could read a bit about it here: Google’s DeepMind AI was Told to Teach Itself How to Walk and This is What it Came Up With)

Flash Post 013: Say “No” To This!

I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, but cramming an academic paper just hours before its deadline is, by far the stupidest thing I’ve done. Unlike my blog posts, writing an academic essay requires an intricate process to be followed. One must have a proposal approved by the professor, a clear and precise thesis statement, an outline of the essay which is used as a guide while writing the essay itself, and then finally, the actual essay-writing. I was given more than two weeks and what did I do?

I crammed it within 12 hours. And it is THE MOST horrible essay I have written my life.

Which is seriously depressing for an aspiring writer such as myself. I’ve always thought that writing is what I’m best at, that it’s my passion in life, in a way. But now..

I don’t know.

Or you know, time management.

(Note: HEY! IT’S MY FIRST MARCH POST AND OH GODS MY LIFE IS MESSED UP RN. I HOPE I CAN POST SOMETHING DECENT NEXT TIME. I HOPE YA’LL DOING ALRIGHT.

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Take Me Away~

I actually really don’t know anymore.

I used to be able to fix my life enough for me to think it’s not messed up. I used to be able to feign confidence and get through with whatever. I used to know what I’m doing, more or less. But now, it’s like everything’s crashing down and nothing is going my way and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know what I love to do, but I also know that I won’t be able to earn much money if I make that my profession. I know what I need to take up to have a not-so-bad career, but I’m not happy with it at the moment. I’m unhappy with having to deal with engineering subjects I barely understand (yes, I’m looking at you, Statics). The course I’m taking up right now is what I need, but it’s also making me unhappy and not being able to act on it is just terrible.

I’m not sure if I’m just lazying around right now or giving up or just confused. I know I’m far from being a professional writer and, right now, I’m also unable to write anything decently. Honestly, I’m just really unhappy and confused with what to do, at the moment.

If I shift to another course now, it would feel as if I’m quitting and giving up. I don’t even know if it’d be alright to shift to a writing or English course because I’m not even that good in those fields and because I know that there’s less money in that.

But it’s what I want to do in life and not being able to pursue a degree in it kinda hurts a bit.

Maybe this is just a bump in the road or maybe I’m not really meant to be taking up an engineering course because it’s not what I’m meant to do in life..?

What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do?

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Lukewarm

It’s the end of my first semester as a second year college student and it was the most challenging semester I’ve had to face, so far. Sure, my second semester as a freshman was kinda bad, but not as bad as this. Not even close. And I feel that it’s because I wasn’t able to do my best. I wasn’t able to give it my all. I made a lot of bad choices because I wasn’t able to properly prioritize things, thus the consequence of my actions. As I’m writing this, not all of my grades have been released yet. My mom says to hope for the best and to not be so pessimistic about it, but I can only hope for so much, knowing full well the things I failed to do.

I’m really forgetful and stubborn, so I tend to forget the lessons I gained from my past mistakes and end up repeating it. I’m pretty sure I’ve previously written something like this in a post or two. It’s horrible and I don’t really know how to fix it. I try, then I forget to try harder. Ugh.

This semester made me realize that I’m a lukewarm person- I do a lot of things halfheartedly. I study, but I’m unenthusiastic about my classes. I converse with people, but often times, I feel like I wasn’t actually as immersed in the conversation as I should be, afterwards. I write, but there’s always something lacking so I end up not publishing  it.

It’s a really terrible thing and I want to stop being that kind of person. I want to be passionate about the things I do and to be fully absorbed whenever I socialize with people.  I want to feel that I’m really there, wherever I may be, living my life. 

Okay, so this semester wasn’t all that great, but it served as another wake up call for me to get my shit together, as if the one from last semester wasn’t enough. Right now, I need to find that girl who refused to give up when faced with challenges, the girl who did her best in everything because she believed that everything was a chain of causes and effects- the girl who I used to be. I need to chase after something again and get my fighting spirit and determination back.

At this point in time, I don’t really know what to do about it yet. I’d like to believe that I’m still a work in progress, like everyone else. I can change who I am right now and that everyday is a new start- a new chance to take a step towards becoming a better version of me. So, I’m gonna work on fixing myself because I’m really the only one who can do it.

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE ❤

 

 

Dancing on a Rainy Day

I’m in my second year of college and I need to get my shit together. Honestly, I’m not doing as well as I had hoped at school this semester. I’ve failed four exams in total, so far (three exams in Math and an exam in Engineering Drawing). I just took my third Engineering Drawing Exam yesterday and I seriously need to pass that in order to pass the class. I have my last long exams in Physics and Math next week, then there’s finals. At this point, I don’t really know anymore.

But what I do know is that I need to put myself back together somehow, at least enough to manage to get through life right now. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not doing what I actually want to do. I’ve been pondering upon my life choices- from why I caved into my sleepiness the night before to why I chose engineering and my university in the first place. I’m at a very confusing point in my life, really. But I can’t back out now because that would be considered quitting and I am no quitter. Besides, it’s the practical thing to do. No one forced me to take up my course or to go to the university I’m attending, but I really didn’t know what I was in for and now there’s expectations that come with it.

Anyways! The reason why this post it titled “Dancing on a Rainy Day” is because I planned to make this an optimistic post! A post-ivity! (HAHAHA) since I haven’t been posting very much recently and my previous posts are a bunch of rants like how I started this post. I’ve just been going through a lot and writing it in this blog somehow makes me feel better so yay!

When I failed my fourth exam in Math (I failed 3/4 exams I’ve taken in the course), my professor asked me if I was nervous during the exam. Of course I said yes because who wouldn’t be scared during an exam? So then he told me that that was the main reason why students don’t do well- fear. I thought it was just usual, but apparently, you could actually not feel fear during exams. I still don’t know how, but I took his words to heart. I started going to the lecture and discussion classes with a positive attitude towards Math. It’s not easy, at all, but I’m faking it till’ I make it- till’ I make myself believe that I understand the lessons and that I can do it. It’s actually working because instead of giving up completely at the sight of limits and natural logarithms, I treat it as a challenge and hype myself up by accepting it.

I’ve forgotten how my attitude towards things have a huge impact in my life- to my future. I’m really stubborn and forgetful, so it’s difficult for me to learn from my mistakes. It’s hard to change. I can’t explain it very well, but I guess we all have some aspects of ourselves that we want to improve, so I guess you get my point. But as the quote goes, “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done”. Aside from faking it, taking the first step to becoming a better version of yourself is another thing you should do to be able to change for the better.

I admit that I wasn’t able to do my best this semester. I gave myself too many breaks because I thought I deserved it after a tiring day. During some trials, I thought I couldn’t do it so I let myself give up. And that’s not right. The past me, both elementary and high school would be disappointed with how I am now. And this is not how I want myself to be. I’ve always dreamed to become a very successful, smart, strong, and independent woman in the future. I really need to get my shit together.

So yes, I need to learn how to dance in the rain- to be positive amidst life’s challenges. I have to figure out how to prioritize things and manage my time more wisely. I need to venture through the different opportunities of how I can follow my passion in writing and how to grow as a writer, despite the several things I see as nuisances and hindrances to it. In rainy days like this, pessimism isn’t going to help, so might as well be this positive idiot than be down about it.

Till’ next time~

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

Flash Post 008: How?

Haven’t written here in a while, mainly because of my hectic schedule and my lack of inspiration (basically, the usual). It’s only been a month and four days into my second year of college and it’s already quite the struggle. It really shouldn’t be and for most people it isn’t, but it is for me because

  1. I’m horrible at time management and prioritizing.
  2. I fall asleep almost all the time (during classes and while I’m studying).
  3. I’m a really slow learner and I forget things easily.

And those are only few of the many reasons why my life right now is worse than it really should be. It’s really frustrating, to be honest. Because of my shortcomings, I’ve been constantly asking people to assist me and/or tutor me with most of the stuff. They’re the best and I’m really grateful for all their help. But sometimes it depresses me to think that I’m frequently depending on them and I feel kind of inferior and indebted to them. Like I’m always asking for their help, but what can offer them? I’m not sure whether you understand, but it’s like wanting to give back for all that they’ve given you, but not knowing how to exactly do that.

It’s sad. It’s sad, but I don’t actually know how to fix it. How do I fix my problem with prioritizing things? How do I avoid sleeping in class? How can I make it through the week with doing everything right while also having time for myself to avoid exploding? Theoretically, I know what needs to be done, but how do I fix me?

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE