It’s the end of my first semester as a second year college student and it was the most challenging semester I’ve had to face, so far. Sure, my second semester as a freshman was kinda bad, but not as bad as this. Not even close. And I feel that it’s because I wasn’t able to do my best. I wasn’t able to give it my all. I made a lot of bad choices because I wasn’t able to properly prioritize things, thus the consequence of my actions. As I’m writing this, not all of my grades have been released yet. My mom says to hope for the best and to not be so pessimistic about it, but I can only hope for so much, knowing full well the things I failed to do.
I’m really forgetful and stubborn, so I tend to forget the lessons I gained from my past mistakes and end up repeating it. I’m pretty sure I’ve previously written something like this in a post or two. It’s horrible and I don’t really know how to fix it. I try, then I forget to try harder. Ugh.
This semester made me realize that I’m a lukewarm person- I do a lot of things halfheartedly. I study, but I’m unenthusiastic about my classes. I converse with people, but often times, I feel like I wasn’t actually as immersed in the conversation as I should be, afterwards. I write, but there’s always something lacking so I end up not publishing it.
It’s a really terrible thing and I want to stop being that kind of person. I want to be passionate about the things I do and to be fully absorbed whenever I socialize with people. I want to feel that I’m really there, wherever I may be, living my life.
Okay, so this semester wasn’t all that great, but it served as another wake up call for me to get my shit together, as if the one from last semester wasn’t enough. Right now, I need to find that girl who refused to give up when faced with challenges, the girl who did her best in everything because she believed that everything was a chain of causes and effects- the girl who I used to be. I need to chase after something again and get my fighting spirit and determination back.
At this point in time, I don’t really know what to do about it yet. I’d like to believe that I’m still a work in progress, like everyone else. I can change who I am right now and that everyday is a new start- a new chance to take a step towards becoming a better version of me. So, I’m gonna work on fixing myself because I’m really the only one who can do it.
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE ❤
I honestly don’t know how I can make this summer of mine fun enough for me not to regret anything when school starts this August. It’s really frustrating because I’ve got time in my hands, but I don’t know how to spend it wisely.
So, I downloaded all the seasons of Hannah Montana, Sonny With A Chance, and iCarly in the hopes of making the most out of this summer. I loved this shows and I didn’t think I’d get to watch them again after they got cancelled. I was thrilled when I started watching, at first, but now I think it’s a bit childish of me to be going back to the good old days (aka my childhood days) by watching these shows. Sure, they were so popular before and almost everyone was caught up in all the episodes, but I’m already 18 years old and most of the people I know are off travelling or doing amazing things. It kinda makes me feel kinda low about myself. An 18 year old girl who’s stuck at home watching some shows that used to be popular about people who had actual lives. That’s really sad.
Now I don’t even know how I’m going to make the rest of my summer legendary. I do not want to go back to college regretting the things I spent my time on during summer. I want to be able to look back at all of this and think “Hey I got a pretty wicked summer. I’m so ready to resume college and feel the hype of knowledge…” or something like that!
And I don’t even want to talk about anime. Fine, I thought I’d be super happy with all the time I have to watch my new anime and re-watch my favorites, but I’m not. I don’t know. I just started thinking that anime might not be for me anymore cause’ I’m already 18 years old and I should be doing something better with my life. Not that anime is a bad thing. Heck no. But maybe rather than spending all of my time lying down on the bed and hooked into some anime, I could be out there in the real world gaining new experiences and new knowledge. Of course I’d still spend a few hours (3 hours max) to watch anime, but I can’t let myself prevent me from doing something with my life, productive things.
I’m kind of brainstorming for business ideas because my dad is encouraging me to accustom myself more in the business world and to sharpen my sales skills. I’ve got a few good ideas, but I have yet to make an actual step towards it.
I’m -insert real name here- and I’m going to make this summer productive and awesome.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to write more updates about my business endeavors and my adventures to come here!
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE
All my finals are over and I’ve passed everything I needed to, so I guess this marks the end of my freshmen year in college. I’VE FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR IN COLLEGE!! GODS!! I’ve never felt so free in my life. I don’t know my grades yet though, well except for Physics, but that just makes this the perfect time to enjoy before knowing and probably crying (I sure hope I didn’t fail anything though. That would suck BIG TIME!).
Okay, so it’s also the start of my summer, yes, summer. And I have loads of plans, big, fun, and slightly crazy plans for this summer! Okay, more on the adventurous side than crazy, I suppose, but what’s the fun without a bit of crazy?
Gym is a given, especially with the upcoming event next month. I need to suffer undergo the GM (General Motors) diet again, which requires a lot of sacrifice, regarding food and partly well-being (healthier but no sweets or whatever huhu).
Besides physical fitness stuff, I’m planning to write as much as I can, not only in this blog, but I’ll try writing some stories. I was thinking of making a tumblr for story requests because it could be good practice for me. I’m also planning to make my other blog, Adventure is Always Out There, active by doing more adventurous stuff and experimenting (with cooking, art, etc.) more.
Ah and I’ll probably try improving my time management and being organized. I was really terrible this semester and I never want to go through that kind of hell ever again. It was the worst. THE WORST, I TELL YOU. Not because of the teachers, oh gods no, and not because of the classmates either (they were all awesome, to be honest). It’s more of because I was horrible at time management, so I was terrible with my classes, and everything just went down like that. But, I’m sure I’ll pass everything. I have to.
It’s summer after all. Who knows what’ll happen.
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE
Okay, so it’s my finals week this week and I’ve only been reviewing for the exams the night before th actual exams!! I’m so horrible!
This semester is probably the worst I’ve had since ever! It’s like this wake up call that I should totally get my shit together that alarms every 15 minutes, but I press snooze every time, until it’s kinda too late now.
Ugh. Well, as long as I don’t badly fuck up finals, I’m sure I’ll pass my classes. This probably the only time it’s like that though cause’ I’ve never really considered failing until now. But I won’t!
I swear, this will be the first and the last time I’ll be this close to failing anything. This semester has been terrible, for me. Never again.
As the semester comes to an end, so do I. Honestly, I’m literally dead during the weekday and only come alive during the weekends that are really too short. It’s really sad, actually. And I don’t know how I’m actually going be able to fix it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this hopeless in my life. Sure, I’m a pessimistic optimist, but this time around, it’s like I’m on the verge of giving up. GIVING UP. Old me would probably kill me if she reads me write that. Funny how that phrase contains the reason why I’m struggling right now and the reason why I’ve been struggling so hard, so far.
So, college isn’t the dream come true that I thought it would feel like. I got in my dream university and now I’ve got to stay in for AT MOST 5 years. I didn’t really think this ahead. Why did I grow up wanting to go the uni anyway? Why did I grow loving it?
What if I didn’t?
BUT those thoughts stop there. Because I do know why I chose it, besides the fact that it was the only school I knew until- what- fourth grade? I chose it because it’s one of the most amazing universities, recognized internationally. I chose it because I believe that it will my future as bright as it could possibly be. I chose it because, for me, there’s nowhere to go but (hihi).. I chose it and I am not giving up.
Whatever happening isn’t anyone’s fault by my own. My family has been nothing but supportive and loving. My friends, let’s just say they help keep my sanity in check. And God, above anything and anyone else, guides me to the path that He has prepared before me, protects me and my family, and supports me every single time, without fail. AND I’M THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
Therefore, if I mess anything up, it’s all me, and I don’t want to mess anything more than I already have. I just reaaally don’t know how to get my shit together. If you guys have some suggestions as to how I can make it possible, please write it down in the comments and I shall try to make it happen (try to the best of my abilities, that is).I would really really appreciate it! Honestly, I’m lost inside a pit of my own creation and it’s hard to climb out.
I regret not studying enough. I regret not knowing enough about Physics, Chemistry, and Math to understand it. I regret all those reaction papers I didn’t write. I regret everything I’ve done wrong during this semester.
But nothing’s over yet.
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE
What have I done with my life, so far?
I can’t help but question myself whenever I see people, that I know, travelling, chasing after their dreams, doing something for the betterment of others, and what not. I am in awe of them because they’re off doing amazing things. They’re wonderful, really, and I want to be like that, too- wonderful.
How can I actually improve myself?
Awareness and acceptance is the first step to self-improvement, I think. I also need a very legit reason to do so, something I can hold onto when things get difficult. See, it’s not only physical appearance I’m talking about, but also my attitude towards people and things, such as academics.
What comes after that? The hard part- the execution. It’s really not easy to change oneself, especially when you’re as stubborn, indecisive, and forgetful as me. I’m awful, really. And sometimes, I think of myself as a hypocrite- how can I be writing about big things while I’m still a work in progress? I’ll just leave that unanswered because I don’t know how to.
I’m going to have to face a lot of obstacles on my way to improving myself, most of which will be the obstacles that I myself have set before me- self-doubt, insecurity, selfishness, and the like. But somehow, hopefully, I’ll get by.
Why would I go to such measures just to improve myself?
Why? Well, simply because I’m not satisfied with who I am right now. I dislike who I am as a person and how I’m living my life. I want to do better. I know I can.
I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make new friends. I want to help other people. I want to explore new places. I want to try new things (legal, of course). I want to make a difference. I want to be passionate about something. I want to publish books. I want to spend time with my family and friends. AND SO MUCH MORE!
And I feel that the me right now won’t be able to do all those things.
(Note: I HAVE A CHEMISTRY (DISCUSSION) EXAM NEXT MONDAY, A MATH EXAM NEXT NEXT FRIDAY, AND A CHEMISTRY (LAB EXAM) AND A PHYSICS EXAM NEXT NEXT NEXT MONDAY!! NOT TO MENTION THAT IT’S FINALS WEEK NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT WEEK!!
Gods, I just want this semester to end. Please. I don’t know how I’m going to survive and I don’t know how I can make my grades survive with me, but I need to manage to do that somehow.
And this post looks like I’m talking to myself or whatever. I hope at least one of you readers could relate and I hope this post helped you somehow cos it really looks like I’m talking to myself and that’s just sad, really.)
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE