Lukewarm

It’s the end of my first semester as a second year college student and it was the most challenging semester I’ve had to face, so far. Sure, my second semester as a freshman was kinda bad, but not as bad as this. Not even close. And I feel that it’s because I wasn’t able to do my best. I wasn’t able to give it my all. I made a lot of bad choices because I wasn’t able to properly prioritize things, thus the consequence of my actions. As I’m writing this, not all of my grades have been released yet. My mom says to hope for the best and to not be so pessimistic about it, but I can only hope for so much, knowing full well the things I failed to do.

I’m really forgetful and stubborn, so I tend to forget the lessons I gained from my past mistakes and end up repeating it. I’m pretty sure I’ve previously written something like this in a post or two. It’s horrible and I don’t really know how to fix it. I try, then I forget to try harder. Ugh.

This semester made me realize that I’m a lukewarm person- I do a lot of things halfheartedly. I study, but I’m unenthusiastic about my classes. I converse with people, but often times, I feel like I wasn’t actually as immersed in the conversation as I should be, afterwards. I write, but there’s always something lacking so I end up not publishing  it.

It’s a really terrible thing and I want to stop being that kind of person. I want to be passionate about the things I do and to be fully absorbed whenever I socialize with people.  I want to feel that I’m really there, wherever I may be, living my life. 

Okay, so this semester wasn’t all that great, but it served as another wake up call for me to get my shit together, as if the one from last semester wasn’t enough. Right now, I need to find that girl who refused to give up when faced with challenges, the girl who did her best in everything because she believed that everything was a chain of causes and effects- the girl who I used to be. I need to chase after something again and get my fighting spirit and determination back.

At this point in time, I don’t really know what to do about it yet. I’d like to believe that I’m still a work in progress, like everyone else. I can change who I am right now and that everyday is a new start- a new chance to take a step towards becoming a better version of me. So, I’m gonna work on fixing myself because I’m really the only one who can do it.

 

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE ❤

 

 

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