Some Nights

(Note: I found the artwork and the quote from the berlin-artparasites page on Facebook. I don’t own either of them and if you like quotes and artworks, I definitely recommend you to go check the page out.)

“Some days you just have to say ‘fuck it, I did what I could today’ and just let go of all the stuff you wanted to do. Life is too short to be angry with yourself for being human.” —Constantine Spiritworker artwork by Cristina Zavala

I can’t really explain what I’m feeling right now, not only because I lack the words to properly describe it, but also because it’s a complete mess. It’s like I’m experiencing a constant change of emotions and various thoughts are running through my mind all at the same time. Honestly, I’d say that I’m quite a mess, at the moment, but I’m getting by and hanging in there, so I’ll be fine.

I hate when I over think stuff. It makes everything worse than it really is. I don’t want to think about how long I’d have to be in college before I graduate (technically speaking, it would be at least, and hopefully at most, five years). I don’t want to think about all the stuff I have to do before graduating (an endless list, really). I don’t want to dwell on whether or not I’ll be left behind again. I really just want to shut away these thoughts in some box and ship it to somewhere far. But, it’s really just all inside me, and it’s awful.

Why am I even writing this seemingly pointless post? Well, besides wanting to keep even these kinds of memories in my blog, I want to leave a somewhat inspirational resolution to this rather annoying feeling. If you’re going through the same things as I am, I hope it’ll somehow help you out a bit, too.

Sure, I have a lot to go through before graduating and getting a job, and even more after all of that. That’s basically life. It’s always going to be filled with both good and bad stuff. We can’t control that, but we can control how we react and feel about the things that happen in our life.

I’m in college. I’m constantly meeting new people, exploring new places, coming across new experiences, and learning new things, both in academics and in life. There’s always something new in each and every day. And, though it’s not always a good day, there’s certainly something good and something to be happy about everyday.

I’m in college. Though my schedules more free than it was in high school, I find that there is never enough time. I have classes up until 7 in the evening and I stay in an apartment, rather than going home. I have exams and projects here and there. And I have to suffer all of these things for five more years.

Do you understand what I mean? See, both of those statements are true, for me. And though it’s not always easy to see the brighter side of things, it’s much better than dwelling upon the negative things and ending up feeling really depressed.

As the quote above says, sometimes you’ve just got to give yourself a break from all that self-hate and just settle with what you managed to do today, despite all those things that keep bothering you. Rather than looking at the terribly long and high staircase that you need to climb and being intimidated by it, just take one step at a time. Trust me.

Set what you want to achieve, do what you can manage to do today, see the points where you can improve, and then do better tomorrow. And before you know it, you’re already climbing up those stairs. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Believe that you can and you’re already halfway there”.

Reading my own words, I sound quite hypocritical. How can I be giving you advice on how to deal with these sorts of things when I, myself, haven’t really figured out anything yet, right? Well, I admit that I’m a mere work in progress, but maybe by writing all of this, we can work on improving ourselves and living a life without any regrets.

Also, I kind of have this desire that one day people will see me as a reason why they didn’t give up on life, as an inspiration of sorts. I know it’s rather selfish, but that’s what I want. And besides, to make that happen, I’ll have to do my best, as well.



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