Damn Scared

*NOTE: Please excuse my awfully frequent use of swear words/curses. I’m just the type of person that cusses a lot and I apologize for that beforehand. Thank you for understanding.*

You know what? I’m damn scared. I’m damn scared of dying. I’m damn scared of the people I love dying. I know that death spares no one and that we’re all going to die sooner or later. But the thought of death’s uncertainties is damn fucking scary.

I’m mainly scared of dying because I know I haven’t done the things I want to do. I’m limited to my ability to prioritize, financial state, rationality and feasibility of my ideas, and the like. I just feel helpless. Ugh.

I don’t care if I die painfully, as long as it’s slowly, too. I don’t want to die while sleeping or because of natural disasters, like earthquakes. Just imagine doing the usual stuff you do, then feeling the earth shaking with great magnitude. Of course you panic and struggle for survival. But seriously, who could fucking think in a situation like that?

My family. How will my family members react to a situation like that, especially my younger siblings? I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to live without them. I actually can’t. Just imagining it makes me cry. And I keep thinking how helpless I am when it comes to natural disasters. How the fucking hell am I going to save them then when I can’t even save myself?

Actually, I don’t care if I die. ALL I WANT IS TO DIE KNOWING THAT THEY LIVE. Of course they’ll cry and mourn for me, but they’ll manage somehow, together. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO DIE KNOWING THAT THEY’RE SAFE. I can’t bear losing them to something like that. I. JUST. CAN’T.

If any of my family members or friends read this when I’m dead, please live your lives to the fullest and in times of trials and distress, I guess you could come to this blog for advice from me. I love you all so very much!



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