Four Years

When I first entered my high school, I didn’t think that I’d be able to graduate there. I was crying so hard and begging my parents to transfer me back to my old school. I missed my old friends, and even my old enemies. That’s how bad I wanted to return to my old school. But, I couldn’t do that not only because it wasn’t allowed (since the school year had started and they had a policy), but also because I had to survive the high school I chose to go to to be able to increase the chances of me attending my dream university. That was the main goal: to attend the University of *insert country/state here*. I couldn’t afford to lose sight of that.

So, with that goal in mind, I struggled to attend my classes and do my best. I eventually gained a few friends, which was amazing since I didn’t want to be always alone. No one does. I even had this group of friends that had this policy where we would be groupmates in any project where the teacher lets us divide ourselves to groups. They were really nice to work with because we’d do fun stuff while working on the project and we’d actually work on it together, than just one or two people working on it. And then, I had this other friend who stalked with me, ranted with me, and the like.

Also, I began to have crushes. I was really sad when I couldn’t attend an event that one of my previous crushes attended. I even marked that day “The day the earth fell down” on the calendar of my old phone. Gods. And the crush I had that started the October of my first year became my reason to wake up everyday and go to school for a while, since I got to see him every morning, even when it’s only the back of his head or whatever. I even had a song for him, which was “If This was a Movie” by Taylor Swift.

I really wanted to be in the star section during the following year, but I wasn’t one of the top students in my section, so I didn’t get in. At the time, I was really bothered by that that I was really quite dramatic and shitty during my second year. I tried doing better at my classes and went around blaming people for my faults. I even got to the point where I blamed my rant friend. Oh gods. I don’t think I could apologize enough to her for those times.

Second year was also the time where I leaned a thing or two about friendship. I had friends that formed a group without me and just left me alone. It was really shitty. THEY were really shitty. I’m sure you’ve felt that at least once in your life: to be left by those you hold of high importance. IT’S VERY SHITTY. But, we’re all alright now. So, anyways, that was the year that I met one of my best friends now, since we were in the same section. We have fights and feel bad towards each other sometime, but we go through it every time.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the star section, again, during my third year, but this time, it didn’t really matter anymore. I was with a section that accepted my corny jokes and somewhat occasionally perverted mind. I felt relaxed to be myself when I’m with them. Though there were still groups, I didn’t feel all that alone. It’s only normal to have groups, after all, and I couldn’t commit to any group since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with anyone anywhere, outside school and academics. We attended classes from 7 am to 7 pm so, basically, we were together for 12 HOURS. Looking back at it now, I wouldn’t have survived those days if my friends weren’t around me and if we didn’t have that much vacant hours.

That was also the year when I figured out that ranks and competitions didn’t matter as much as I thought it did. I though I had to be the best, to beat everyone. I felt mad and sad whenever there was someone who scored higher than me. That year, I realized that I shouldn’t blame others and hate them for scoring higher than me, cause’ they’re only same as me, trying their best at school. It wasn’t their fault whenever I didn’t get any recitation stubs or whenever I got a low score. It was mine. I had to struggle and do my best to have high scores while cheering others on. After realizing that, I was much happier.

Ah then there was depression. I think I was mainly depressed because I felt alone and like a failure. I was set off my measly things like not getting to deliver a fitting answer to the teacher in a subject I thought I was good. I also felt unwanted and unneeded at times. Oh boy. I felt like dying and shit. Thank God I survived those times.

And, finally, my fourth year. By this time, I was used to not being in the star section. And I figured that it was very pressuring to be in it, so I was content with the section I had. We were composed of all kinds of people. They hung out at malls and places, while I wasn’t allowed to go most of the time. I was very annoying, but I understood my parents’ point. My classmates from my previous section that were also my classmates in fourth year and I were a bit more attached to my previous section, so that created sort of a clash, but it wasn’t that big. I didn’t make a huge deal out of it anyway. We preferred to be with that section and that’s that.

With much hardwork and perseverance, dedication and determination, I did it. My subjects in fourth year weren’t easy at all, in fact, it was very very challenging. I sound like such a grade-conscious person. Of course, I also had times when I procrastinated, slept instead of studying for exams, and slept during class (oh my.. so many times!!). My mom often got mad at me for being so lazy and for doing things in the last minute, literally sometimes. Oh, and anime. Need I say more?

And now, here I am. Not only did I graduate and qualified for my dream university, but I also was awarded two awards. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now without all those depressing failures, those sleepless nights catching up the lessons the teachers taught while I was asleep, friends, both those who were always there by my side and those who still consider me as a friend even if we were only classmates for one year, my persevering and patient teachers, my ever supportive and loving family, and, of course, God who guided me all the way. And for all those experiences and people, I am truly blessed and grateful.

This blog was also part of my four-year journey in high school. I don’t think I would be able to keep my sanity without this. This is where I conveyed my thoughts and feelings, where I ranted my heart out, where I expressed my crushes and love for Logan Lerman (and several other celebrities).This blog is my tree, one of my marks to mankind, that grows and grows as I feed it with my writings. To infinity and beyond!

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

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2 thoughts on “Four Years

  1. From this specific entry, it felt like I was brought into your thoughts and went with you through your high school life. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It served as an inspiration and at the same time an assurance, that I am not the only person in this world who feels the same thing. Kudos to you my friend ^_^

    • Ah I’m really glad to have given you a glimpse on how my high school life was like, inspiration, and assurance. It’s nice to have someone who feels the same thing, so I also thank you for that. And you’re very welcome!! I hope you read more of my posts and enjoy! 😀
      ~The Girl With The Pen

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