*READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS IS A QUITE PERSONAL POST AND IF YOU DON’T WANT SOMEONE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT MIDNIGHT WITH A KNIFE AND A ROPE, DO. NOT. READ. THIS. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED*
I think that’s the best definition for who I am right now. I am wandering through the roads of different things in search of myself and who I truly am. I don’t think anyone knows who they are automatically. Being born in this world, we weren’t exactly given a handbook on who we should be and what we should do. No. We’re here to find out for ourselves and make use of that in the future. I believe that we exist because God has a mission for us. It might not be that clear now, but maybe in the future, it will. Everyone has their own different purpose in life and because of that, we must do more than merely exist. Wee must live.
I’ve been thinking a lot about it, lately. And I know that over thinking isn’t exactly what’s good for me right now. I’ve got these.. “problems” with myself, sometime’s I’m okay and sometimes I’m not. It’s pretty normal when I say it like that, but whenever I become sad, it just sucks me into this vortex of depression. I am depressed, yes, but that’s no reason for me not to be happy. The world’s not full of monsters and demons chasing you down, nor is it a world of perfection and fairy tales. It’s a world where the monster is inside of us, itching it’s way out to the surface, and sometimes it wins, when we are convinced that we are hopeless and give up, but that wouldn’t be a nice ending, would it? No. We find something worth fighting for and hang to it, as desperately as we can. Because once you let the monster inside of you take over, the life you thought couldn’t get any more fucked up would.
I am also sensitive and observant, in my opinion. Although my hunches aren’t always right and sensitivity leads me into over thinking that leads me into depression, I think being sensitive is sort of amazing because it helps me on becoming less selfish and sort of compassionate, caring for other people, even strangers at times. I just don’t want them to think that they’re alone and that life is just out to get them. I don’t want anyone feeling what I sometimes feel: miserable. I want to be people’s unnamed catcher, preventing them from falling too deep for recovery. I like helping people solve their problems, on the rare occasions that they do trust me with their problems. I do my best to understand them and to help them weight out their options.
I’m a writer. I know I am. I can feel that through writing, I am able to express my thoughts and feelings towards things. I’m not the kind of writer that ends up being a journalist, but I am the kind of writer whose works aren’t always based on facts but rather her subjective mind. And sometimes, that’s why people could relate, because I don’t state facts and what to do about them. I write things, experiences, thoughts, and emotions, that most of the human beings go through in life. Some of my works may be sort of shitty and some may be kind of inspiring, but I am proud of them no matter what because they’re my works and someday, I’m going to find my way back into this blog and read all the stuff I have written, am writing, and will be writing. And I just know that it would bring a smile in my face. I write as if my hands were a hard drive connecting my brain and heart to the computer that will make it live forever. Because I know that everything changes and I am capable of forgetting what I’m feeling right now. So, I write it down and it becomes closer to immortality that I will ever be. I will be gone, someday, but my works, my thoughts, my feelings, all of it, won’t.
I love books as much as I love writing. Books take me to dimensions impossible to reality. It’s my personal escape pod when things get too fucked up and grant myself this temporary moments of happiness to just take a break from living life. The characters in the stories come alive around me and, while reading, there’s just nothing more important in the world, all those problems, vanished. And the fact that people are connected through books is just magical. It doesn’t really matter where you are, who your parents are, what your standing in school is, or whatever. Nothing matters when it comes to connection through the same interests. It’s something like finding your twin at heart and just understand what each of you are going through. Isn’t that just wonderful?
I think about the future more than I should. I just think that the future is a better place than where I’m living. I don’t think that my life sucks and that I’m the unluckiest person in the world. Heck no. I’d actually say that I am so blessed, having a family to come home to, having a roof over my head, having the opportunity to study in such an amazing school, having friends who I can talk to anytime anywhere about anything, having more than enough food to eat, and so much more. But I think, if I don’t fuck up, the future could be better this, if that’s even possible. And, for me, it’s just fun imagining what it would be like when you grow up and become an adult, to get married to someone you have yet to meet, to have kids and be responsible for them, to have a job that could be such a hassle at times, to have a house you get to customize according to your personal styles, etc.
I could also tell that I’m a very shy, quiet, and awkward person. I just, don’t know how to start and maintain a conversation. I don’t want to push people into liking me because I feel that I might be invading their privacy or make them think I’m sort of “feeling close” or stuff like that. If they’d like to talk to me, then I’ll talk to them. But, I’m just not that type of person that could just easily start a conversation and keep it going with who-knows-what topic. And I can’t go to much outings and hang outs because I’m usually not permitted to do so and that’s usually fine with me, except when I see those pictures and hear conversations about that event and I’m just like “hey”. It’s deprived me of so many opportunities in my life and that’s something I should really change about me.
I know I’m “grade conscious” and it’s because there’s nothing else I can control but that. During those awful and depressing times when I’m completely alone, I confide with the only thing I can do, open by textbook, read it, and hope that someday, in the future, it would become useful. And I’m honestly naturally lazy, like I’d spend the whole day watching movies, using the computer, reading books, while lying down in my pajamas, if I could. But, I can’t do that. If I want to have a bright future ahead of me, I can’t slack around and pretend that I don’t have worries. It’s damn easy to fuck up, leave everything behind, and just do nothing. But then, what the hell will you end up with that? Every minute, every second you’re not pursuing your dreams takes you further away from it. By doing this, by pushing myself to study hard and get good grades, I can do my best in making what’s ahead of me better.
I fall too hard too easily. I meet someone, then get to know them, then just fall for their personality. I sometimes even don’t know them very well. It’s sort of a flaw I’m trying to fix because I don’t want to be that affected anymore. I’m just getting over a crush right now and it’s taken me, what, a month? Oh gods.. I think that I just like the idea of liking someone that sometimes, I create these delusions and stuff. I’m usually infatuated with people who don’t give a damn on who I am. I care too much for people like that. I should really focus on those who love me for me, my family and my friends. And someday, somewhere, sometime, someone will love me for me and be my lifetime companion. But, that’s a long way to go, so for now, I’m sticking with those people who stuck with me. Heck, even when that companion comes, I’m still going to stick to them because they’ve known me and have chosen to stay with me after. I just love them.
I guess that’s it. That’s all I’ve figured about myself so far. (I might have forgotten a thing or two. Like uhm.. being forgetful?) I have yet to know myself further and when I do, I hope I learn how to deal with it, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and strive to become a better person. This is a rather long blog post and it’s rather revealing. So, it would really help if you don’t mind it too much, cause’ it’s a bit way personal for me to be exposing to the world wide web. Just scroll down and look for other blog posts. Okay? haha.. well.. if you’re reading this, I guess I’m too late. Goodbye.