I’ve always been that kind of girl who can’t help but easily fall for boys who meet her standards. I’m that girl who has crushes that are “unreachable” or obviously can’t like her the way she likes them. I fall too hard too soon, and that’s obviously one way to experience excruciating pain over and over again. I don’t get why I’m like this, and I obviously don’t like it, but it’s just the way I am. The only thing I can do is convince myself that it’s nothing, that I don’t care, and that I should focus on more important things. But, in the end, I always get hurt. I never learn. I am definitely a fool for loving and caring this much for people who don’t give shit about me.
I feel that this time it’s different, that this isn’t just some other crush. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just infatuated too much, or maybe I’m not. It’s just that this time I fell for the attitude and the interest more than the physical features. And this time I’m using the L-word too often and too accidentally. I like and care for him more than I’d ever care to admit. I’m sad when he’s sad and I’m happy when he’s happy. And that for once in my entire life, I want this to be more than just a crush. I want him to like me back and see how we go from there. I usually just accept the fact that my crush likes other girls and not get affected when he does, but this time, I feel like dying and hurting when he’s with other girls. I think it’s my teenage hormones acting up again, but when I wrote that it was nothing on that anonymous letter I sent him during Valentine’s day I was lying. This is something serious and I can feel it, cause I have never cared so much and never liked anyone as much as I like him.
I know I have no chance. That even though, he’s not that attractive for most people and he’s not that popular, he’s still a human being with his own personal choice of crushes, and I’m obviously not on his list. When am I on someone’s list of crushes? I know it’s a pessimistic thought but I think that it’s more likely that elephant’s will fly than me being someone’s crush. But then, no one said that I don’t hope, despite it’s unlikeliness. I know that that banana was just a reply to send the message that we’re still okay. that we’re still normal towards each other, no awkwardness whatsoever. But at that shining moment, while jumping up and down and screaming at the top of my lungs, I thought it was something more.
And now, I just want to turn off all those feelings, all that hurt, and be able to talk to you and find stuff we could talk about. We’re too different from each other, and I don’t know what to do with that. I just know that I hopeless inevitable like you right now. Shit. what the hell is this? I just want to move on, act normal, and forget about everything. And I hope to God that no one who knows me reads this or else cause fuck if they did.
This isn’t much of an inspiring post, rather a rant/shitty post that I chose to continue for the heck of it. And by the way, that dance with him last night was definitely something worth remembering. that moment when we’re hands were intertwined, when your other hand was on my hip and my other hand was on your shoulder, and that tux of yours was really soft and smooth to touch. It may have not meant anything to you, just another dance like all the once you’ve had before me, but for me, it was one of the best parts of my evening and even though I didn’t know what to talk about while we were dancing, I didn’t want it to end. It was a beautiful moment and thank you so much for giving that to me.
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE
The stuff in this article affects me way more than it should affect me.