Am I Really Ready?

Second thoughts? Not really since I have no choice with this one and I don’t really want to quit it, rather, I’m unable to tell if I’m ready to survive the next ten months. I know it’s not going to be easy, nothing is, but it really depends on how someone would look at it. I could see it as a new year and a new beginning and blah blah blah, but then again, I could see it as another year of hell. 

Being the particularly pessimistic realistic person that wants to be optimistic that I am, I choose to see it as another challenging ten months filled with happiness, sadness, and everything in between. Things would be different than the past year, since I’d be with a new group of people, new curriculum, and the like. And people and things change on their own, so I don’t know what to expect.

I think that I go through too much amount of drama than I should normally be going through. I mean, I’m not really good at prioritizing on what’s super important and what’s not-so important. I mean, the last year, I’d rather stalk my crush than doing actual work that I would benefit from. I don’t have any regrets (still convincing myself though) because I’ve learned from that (or at least I hope I did). So, for this year, less drama and focus more on the stuff that really matter.

Friends? I don’t know. I mean, last year, I had realized that not all your friends see you as a friend, or they do see you as a friend but not a close one. Groups are very common in school, and I’m not part of any. That’s supposed to be good since it means less drama and commitment, but I find it rather insulting. Like, I’m a decently good person and sometimes, my friends leave me for their other friends. Basically, not having a group means that I go through lunch alone sometimes. As I may be a very introvert-ish person, I hate being alone while I’m not reading a book. I just, don’t want to feel that dark vibes of being alone and abandoned by the ones who I hold dearly to my heart.

The schedule this year is pretty hectic. I mean, some days, I’d start class at seven in the morning, and end it at seven in the evening. I don’t think it’s going to be like that everyday, but I don’t like going home late and still need to do the assignments and study. I mean, WHAT. Although, I’m not complaining since that’s the reality, THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT. When I go to work, in the future, I have to give it my best 24/7, so yeah, it’s practice. 

One thing I’m really going to rant about here in this blog for the next ten months is, insecurity. I’m sure of it. This  year, I have to ride with the fourth years in going home, so I don’t really like them, nor they do they like me. Some boys are very annoying and may make me want to cry and whatever. I still don’t know how to conquer this problem, but I’m trying to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence so that they’d have a hard wall to deal with before I let them get to me. I just have to deal with the fact that there’s some people who will always put me down, whatever I do. I should just shut them out and figure things by myself and the people who genuinely love me. 

Is being fat the worst thing in the world? I don’t think so. I know I may be a lot fatter than most people, but that doesn’t make me less than a person than they are. That’s just really mean to judge someone by their weight. I mean, I could still do some pretty awesome stuff, like writing in this blog, and other stuff that I cannot recall at the moment. Get over it. 

Speaking of judging people, I just watched “Hairspray” and perceived it in another way compared on how I used to see it. I was just like ten years old when I first watched it and I had no idea what it was all about. Now, I see it as a great movie against racism and judging people by their physical appearance. I personally think that it’s harder to get close to people with dark complexion because I think that they’re different. Turns out, they aren’t, looking through their color, they’re just like me. I don’t judge them for being like that, rather I want to know who they are, really. Being different isn’t something bad, rather it’s something new and unique. Don’t waste your effort in fitting in when you were born to stand out. 

So, I’m still unsure of who I am and how I’m going to survive this year, but I do now that I’m not a quitter and I’m most certainly not someone who would do something bad to another person. And I care more about my studies than whatever people around me think of me, because that’s one of the few things that I do well.

I’m pretty nervous about this since this is my last chance to get into the “star section” van and become someone. Yeah, I know I’m already someone, but I want to matter. Like Augustus Waters, I want the world to know me, and I want to leave my scar in this world. I know it’s rare to actually do difference in our planet, our society, but it isn’t impossible either. 





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