Me vs. Who I want/need to be

I don’t know what to do? I’m in a terrible and complicated situation. I’ve got to really think about what my decision would be. Some people are gonna get hurt, including me. I can’t explain it through speaking/talking so I’m just going to go ahead with writing this blog.

So.. it started about last month. I was outside our geometry room, alone. Regretting everything. Crying and dying inside. Basically, broken. I was wishing that I was inside the classroom, listening to the teacher, with a class I really want to be in. But, the painful truth is, I will never be part of that section. So, I thought about fixing my mistakes, by being star section in 3rd year. I don’t care what the section’s name is, as long as it’s star section. And I’ve got this really awesome friend that’s in star section. I envy her. I mean, she’s supportive and all, but, while I’m hanging and talking with her, I forget who I want to be and just be me. Which is really bad since “me” is like lazy, daydreamer, etc. So, we both end up failing to do our supposed “cram” assignments. But, somehow, she still.. finishes it somehow. It’s like.. I get the hard fall. I mean, I love talking to her. She understands me.. ALOT. But, I need to be the person I want/need to be. 😦

And one day, before the periodic exams, I send her a text saying basically, I don’t want to talk to you cause’ you distract me too much from my studies. Well.. she might have another meaning for that.. but.. yeah. And she just replied a letter. Later on, she explained that she didn’t know what to say, so she replied that way. I tried ignoring her once, didn’t work out. I ended up riding the bus, filled with thoughts I could’ve shared with her.

Now, I really don’t know what to do. “Me” still wants to talk to her but for me to be the person I want to be, I’d have to decide. I don’t know if I could balance things. I’m not smart without studying, unlike some lucky people. I wish she could just say something without being mad at me. We’re currently fighting and I could barely handle it. She was supposed to lend me “The Fault in Our Stars” but I get it that she hates me and doesn’t want me to borrow it. My mom and I went to the bookstore last night, I was urged to buy a book. I had to decide between something written by John Green (an awesome author, I was told) and MOCKINGJAY by Suzanne Collins. I realized I haven’t read anything by John Green yet and I didn’t like super sad stories that much so, I bought MOCKINGJAY! Well.. I hope.. she understands and voice out her opinion.. :((

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2 thoughts on “Me vs. Who I want/need to be

  1. SPOILER ALERT!
    Hi me from (almost) four years ago,
    This post is dramatic and you’re blaming someone else for your fault, for your mistakes. You’re going to lose the friend you’re talking about here, probably not soon, but in the future. If there was a post I regret writing, this would be it. I miss her so much, but thanks to both of us, your friendship is a mere memory now, a thing of the past. But, I guess that’s just how it is now.

    Hate, you from the future 😦

  2. Whenever I read this post, I’m filled with hate for the me back then who poorly managed this. Someday, I might just put this post into private or delete it altogether. You’re an idiot, you know. You never got into the star section, but that”s fine. What you did lose is a really great friend. And until now, I still regret this post.

    But she did go to our birthday, so I hope somehow we can still be friends.

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